I am addicted to social media.

The other day, a girl that I know from camp posted about social media. And oh my was it eye-opening for me. Her vulnerability was no-doubt admirable, and pretty much everything that she had to say was exactly what was going on in my life. (I'll post a link to it on the bottom, too. Because it's so good.)

The title of the post was "I Am Enslaved to Social Media."

So, I will openly admit it as well, in a different way than she did: not only am I a slave to social media, but I am addicted. More than I'd like to admit.

Usually when you think of addictions, it's drugs or sex or money, et cetera. But this is a bit different than the "usual." I am extremely addicted to social media, and have been for a very long time. So much so that I am practically glued to my nifty little iPhone and laptop.

This addiction has caused a lot of problems in my friendships, as well as any other relationships. Because I am on my phone, scrolling through Instagram or Facebook or whatever else, so will my friends. And hence the relationship dwindles.

About a month ago, I was convicted by this through a video on Youtube called "I Forgot My Phone." (I'll link it on here.) But that wasn't enough to make me stop looking at my phone. I still did it, and my face-to-face interactions became distant and almost indifferent. Then I was convicted again, even worse, when what happened in the video actually happened first-hand in my life.

That apparently wasn't enough to snap me out of it... Until I read the blog post that worded stuff a little differently to me. Then, and only then, did I view it as the same truth of my life.

When I first signed up for MySpace, then Facebook and Twitter, Tumblr and Pinterest, and so many more... did I expect it to ensnare me the way that it has? Not in the least, but it most certainly has. Time and time and time again. And I can almost guarantee that I have spent a shameful amount of hours on it in my day.

Not only has it been put above my relationships with others, it has been put above my relationship with the Lord, which is probably the hardest for me to admit. Instead of spending my morning or evening in the Word or in prayer at the beginning and end of the day, you will definitely find me on my phone or laptop, tweeting or editing pictures or scrolling up and down on my Facebook news feed. No joke. And I am extremely embarrassed and ashamed of that, to be honest.

But you know what is the most freeing about all of this? It can, and will, change. Things don't have to stay the way that they are for me. I have the power to stand up to it all and make a change. I don't have to feel the shame and guilt and humiliation, because I have a God that tells me He is sovereign and He reigns over it all, and He will take it away. With this, though, I know that I can't do it on my own strength; God can help me more than I can help myself. It may take quite a bit of time, deleting things off of my phone and spending less time on my laptop, but I can do it.

I don't have to be defined by editing my pictures a certain way, posting them on Facebook or Instagram, or even how I myself look, and I do not have to be defined by the lives of others. I am defined by the One who chose to look upon me and call me His daughter - daughter of the most-high King. And that's what matters most to me.

The Thoughts of a Social Work Major.

This last month has been... extremely busy. And slightly chaotic. In ways that usually are not. Whew! I have been exhausted all the time. But my oh my have I been learning.

As I've been going through classes, as well as different things for Cru, I can't help but constantly be bothered by the turmoil in this world.

For starters, I am a social work major. And I have been taught that goodness gracious is there a lot of stuff going on. Two classes of mine have stood out to me more than the others: Intro. to Social Work and International Justice. Every single time that I have both classes, my life is entirely rocked in some way. It's like a wake-up call daily. We talk about the injustice in the judicial systems around the world in one class; and in the other, we talk about the injustice, but also growth and historical change, in social systems in America.

There have been a few questions that have been raised for myself throughout this month:

As my class talks about Rwanda and other countries, how can I not see the atrocities going on involving hunger, genocide, and child soldiers? As I was read the local newspaper, how can I not be bothered by the article showing the fact that there are over 300 people in the FM area that are homeless? As I am at the group home that I work, how can I not have compassion on the men that I work with? Listening to what is being said in my Sophomore Training Group, how in the world can I be so paralyzed to stay safe, when there is death everywhere I turn? How can I not see the pain? Will I be willing to drop everything - abandon myself, no matter what the cost, to reach people with the Gospel of Jesus Christ? How am I being a light to this world full of darkness right now? How can I be blind to the need that is staring me right in the face?

All of the things influencing me have caused me to think deeply on the answers to all of these questions, all of which have been tough to answer. But I can see this: There is a need for justice and love and grace and kindness in every single part of our world.

As a side-note, but something that has been made extremely relevant to me... One of the videos that we watched in my social work class was suuuper encouraging to me, making me realize that: 1) I am definitely in the right major, and 2) I am not just a helper: I am a person that changes lives. I can impact the world at this moment; I have the ability to change it. I can be the one to give a voice to the voiceless; I can be the help to the helpless; I can be a positive influence in the lives of those seeping with negativity; and, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I can show that God gives life to the lifeless. 

This school and MSUM's Cru have impacted my life and challenged me in such incredible ways already, and there are so many questions that I don't know if I can answer right now - at least not in the way that I would like to yet. But it's a comfort to know that, despite all of this, I am being shaped to be more like Christ. I know I say that a lot, but it's true. There is always more growth to be done in me. He will continue to grant me His compassion for the world, He will give me boldness, He will humble me daily, and He will transform my heart to break for this hurting world as His does. It is my hope and prayer that I never take His grace for granted a single day in my life, and that I extend it to those that I encounter on a daily basis.

A new place to call home.

Well, a lot keeps changing in my life. I think that's probably the best way to describe things. As in, a lot has changed since my last blog post. Last time around, I had said some things about what I was possibly doing and where I was possibly going next in life. God keeps taking me on so many journeys, which has turned out to be really incredible.

As of last week, I was presented with a really awesome opportunity: To live in an apartment in Fargo, North Dakota with three godly, Christian women that go to NDSU! I, on the other hand, am planning on going to MSU - Moorhead. Which should be interesting, but adventurous! Everything always seems to turn out that way, wherever I seem to go and end up. This time it was probably as last-minute as ever, since I just decided a week ago and I'm moving into my new apartment tomorrow... And I just started packing today. Ha. Yeah. Surprise surprise!

Despite the last-minuteness of the situation, as well as not ever knowing what I'm doing once I get there... I am still pretty excited to see what happens and what comes to be! We'll see what fate there is to be found in Fargo. (See what I did there? Alliteration is great. ^_^)

As my favorite Doctor would say: "Allons-y!"

Goodbye, Iowa State.

This one has been brewing for quite a while now, probably due to me being a busy bee and I have had to do a lot of thinking over the past month. (Also, Nicole and my best friend from Germany have been home. Sooo... that. Also, shenanigans.)

Well, let's just say that the title of this one says all. I must leave another college that I love, this one being Iowa State. And yes, it is due to financial reasons. Literally the story of my life. But seriously, I'm not joking. Money is always a huge issue for me, and most likely will be my entire life. But it's fine. I've got God, and that is all that matters. Life is an open book for me.

To be honest, I have known that I wasn't going back for a long time. Not very many people have been told, so I apologize if I have left you in the dark, but it's been pretty difficult for me to come to terms with leaving another college again. It has caused me a lot of frustration and anxiety, and a lot of questions. I understand that Iowa State wasn't as expensive as Northwestern was, but it still makes me upset to have to leave. But I must accept it again. I've been learning a lot about that.

From here on out, I have no idea where I will be going. I applied to a couple of colleges, but I'm not sure if it was too late or not. I forgot to send in a few things, so we shall see! My memory sometimes... Again, it's all kind of up in the air. That, too, is the story of my life. I never know what I'm doing. Which I am still learning to accept. Because it happens all the time. Lord, help me. Ha. One blessing, though, from all of this is the fact that it's caused me to be such an insanely flexible person. Which is great. I love being open to whatever comes my way. I have been taught to be assertive, no matter what happens, which is also something I am still learning about all of this. I am being incredibly stretched. Hallelujah - solo deo gloria.

With this I will say:
Goodbye, Iowa State! I'll see you some other time.
Hello, mystery and the rest of my crazy, unorganized life.

Regarding relationships.

This may will get a bit harsh. But it's the truth. And I'm just going to be straight up. Sorry, not sorry. It's something that I've heard addressed and talked a lot about within the last couple of years, especially since going to Northwestern College and The Salt Company at Iowa State. As I'm saying that (as well as if you look at the title), I'm sure you know what it is that I'm talking about...

There has been this obsession in the church and anything Christian for relationships, specifically to find a spouse and be with somebody else. Everyone knows it; that's how it is, and has been that way for a very long time. While it is not a bad thing to desire marriage in your life, it must never get in the way or be put above your relationship with God. Never ever ever. And it should not be as obsessed over as it is.

I am tired of romantic relationships being as glorified much as they are, and I am through with people idolizing other people. Because, truth is, no relationship is going to satisfy you... except for your relationship with Christ. Nobody is going to do to your soul what you need the most... besides God. Single or not, Christ is where your deepest longings will be met. He alone can quench your inner thirst, feeding your inner craving for something more than anything here on this earth.

Not going to lie, society doesn't help with this, either. It encourages selfishness in friendships, as well as other relationships. But that's a whole other thing that I won't get into here.

In some friendships, it [a relationship, or lack thereof] is brought up a lot. More than anything else. The person will talk about how single they are, then they talk about how they've been heart-broken. So I talk about my past relationships and what I've learned from them, then they talk about their list of potentials to date/marry... That goes on in every single conversation. And I am not even joking. They linger on their past failures in this area, as do I, then try to think of somebody to fill this newly-found hole in their heart. It's unpleasant. And highly discouraging. But really. Calm it down. Calm. It. Down.

My three questions for those people, as well as anyone else who is unsatisfied with their singleness, are as follows: Can't we just talk about God, as well as other things that matter, and not how single we are? Why is Christ all-of-a-sudden "not enough" for you? And, last but not least, since when is being single such a bad thing? I know that it may seem to suck seeing friends getting in relationships, engaged, or getting married, but why does it have to? It's an exciting time for those people, even though you may not be in that spot right now. Embrace where God has you right now, because there is nothing wrong with where you are in regards to your "lack of relationship." Seriously, though. If you think that, look at the life of Paul - better yet, look at Jesus. (I know that there are all of these theories and silly things saying that He got married... but they're all wrong. Yep, yes they are.) Anyway...Do you see them having been in a relationship, or having been married? No. Was that a bad thing? Not in the least. They still sought after God. Now look where they are: With God, and Jesus is sitting at His right hand, where they both belong.

You can find your growth and freedom in Christ, and in life in general, without being with someone. Honestly, for me, it is the greatest place that I could be at right now. And I am extremely content and freed with that place. Which is a total gift of God.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying in the least that I hate all of that. I actually love it. A lot. Love is lovely. It's a beautiful thing, as well as super encouraging, to see godly relationships, and marriages that take Ephesians 5 seriously: loving each other as Christ loved us, the church - His bride.

To all of the fellow single people out there:
Go look into Scripture at the life of Christ. Look into the life of Paul. And delve deeply into all that God did through them, despite their relationship status.

Stop the searching. Quit dwelling. Embrace where you are. If you can't yet, try to let go and move on. Go - humble yourself before the throne of the Holy One. Think optimistically about your life. Look up. Don't avoid those in a relationship, getting engaged, or married like the plague. Learn from them. If there is mending yet to be done in your heart from a past relationship or situation, take a step back and let your heart mend until you try to be with someone else. Give it to God. If somebody great comes your way, don't let them pass you by, do not take them for granted, and don't rush anything. Learn from what you go through. Find your satisfaction in God. Seek after Christ, above all else. Live life in freedom, for He has already set you free.

Even so, it is well with my soul.

It's been quite some time since I've last written on here! And a lot in life has changed this past month.

It has definitely been a crazy one, if I must say so. Much has changed, some stuff not so great, other things fantastic. Through it all, God is still good to me no matter what is thrown my way.

One thing that I have come to notice is this: When I start trying to rely on myself, things don't go very well. Also, whenever I do what I want instead of what I know is right, God shakes me up a little bit and whatever it was doesn't work out. Actually, scratch that last part: It only works out for so long. In other words, it is extremely temporary. Which is actually okay.

Because of money issues, I am home right now. And will be for the rest of the summer. Not in Ames, like I thought it would be. Life can get expensive when going by your own means. (I really don't like money. It stinks. Especially when it's lacking immensely.) Being home is soothing and healing to the soul. It's still difficult for me to have left Ames, but I firmly believe that, after much counsel throughout the past week, my decision to come home was the most wise. Now, looking for someone to take my spot for June & July will be difficult... but that's something I can [and am trying to] worry about when I absolutely need to. I need a break from stress. Seriously. I truly do.

It's been crazy to look at all that God has been doing, as well as seeing and trusting what He is yet to do in my life. I am constantly learning more about His provision for me, which has been awesome more than anything else. It's challenged me to be more patient - so much more patient - and self-controlled, as well as faithful to the One that is faithful to me and to others.

My life verse has been Psalm 61:2. It's such a beautiful reminder in times like these.

I have yet to make decisions about next year. A lot has come up, and, honestly, I am not sure I can even afford Iowa State anymore. Which is another thing that I need to decide, but for now I keep seeking after Christ and giving my worries to Him.

It is my prayer and deepest longing to look these fears, as well as other fears to come, in the face and say, "Even so, it is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul."

The one thing that I need to think of right now is how I can best glorify Christ with my life. So I will do that, with all of my heart and soul.

God is worth all of this turmoil; He is worth all of the hardships and problems. His grace overwhelms my brokenness, for He is holy and merciful. He is making me whole. And it is well with my soul.

As Christ has loved me.

You are important. You are valuable. And you are treasured.
That is the truth that God says about you. Always.
You will always be loved. You will always find grace. And you will always find hope.

For some strange reason, that first part is easy for me to tell everyone... but myself.

You see, I am very silly to myself. And this has been such a huge struggle in my life for as long as I can remember. I hope that my honesty can encourage you in some way, especially if you struggle with the same thing.

Honestly, I am constantly frustrated with myself. I often find myself wondering, screaming from the depths of myself, "Why can't you just love yourself already? Why don't you know how to take care of yourself? Just fix yourself already! It's not healthy! You need sleep and you need food."

Maybe whenever I see you, I may tell you how I stayed up until 5 in the morning last Monday night and had not eaten anything since 3 pm that day, without a solid reason. Then I might say how I need to take better care of myself. It has been such a vicious cycle that I pray God will free me of, because it's exhausting and brutal. And you may get frustrated with me as well, because you care about me and love me. The only reason that I can give for the fact that I don't help myself is this: it has been a hard for me to do that my entire life. Caring and loving others? That is so easy for me, because I see their worth. Caring and loving myself? That is difficult, because I don't see my own worth. That also goes back to my past self-hatred and people-pleasing. I also have anxiety and depression issues to go along with that. Basically, Through Your Eyes by Jenny and Tyler describes me perfectly. (If you haven't listened to it before, please do!)

What I have come to terms with, though, is that it may take me my entire life for things to change entirely. I used to always say that I can't truly care for others until I care for myself, but that is a lie, straight-up, because I care so much - that is a fact for sure. As crazy as it seems, I love everyone that I come into contact with - no matter what may happen, I always will.

One truth, during those times that I don't treat myself as I should, that I must remind myself is this: I am the Lord's temple. I belong to Jesus. I am His and He is mine. I am a child of the most high God. The Holy Spirit dwells within me. He has been stretching me in regards to this ever since I recognized it as a trouble, and I pray that He will continue to bring healing to me.

With that, know that when you tell me to take care of myself, it is not dismissed. I also apologize for seeming to ignore you in those situations. I merely ask for patience and acceptance, forgiveness and a listening ear.

I am not something to be fixed, because I am constantly broken. God just keeps piecing me back together, as He tells me everything will be okay and shows me that He is there. He also reminds me that He wants to take over me. (Also, these verses are good stuff.) When I do this, I also look to Christ's example of how He loved others, yet He still did take care of Himself. He was not selfish in taking care of Himself, not in the least, so I am not selfish to want to care for myself and love myself as Christ does. I long to mirror His humility in a healthy and proper way that brings God all the glory.

I am still learning. A lot. He is still showing me ways that I can help myself.

He is also continually showing me that He is Lord over the lies - that... 
I am important. I am valuable. And I am treasured.
That is the truth that God says about me. Always.
I will always be loved. I will always find grace. And I will always find hope.