Back to square one.

It is now November. Actually, it has been November for eleven days now, but yes, it is now the eleventh month of the year. And, to be honest, last month was one of the most trying months of my entire life. As I would say in regards to whenever things go wrong, life kind of threw up on me. More than once. My entire family, not just me, has gone through so much that I would have never imagined until it happened. From the end of September until now, my life looks entirely different - not even close to the same that it was then. But, despite the difficulties and more bumps in the road, God is still faithful and His love is unconditional.

Throughout this last month and the last couple of weeks, I have been trying to figure out what it is that I will do this coming spring. It seems as if YWAM is, surprisingly, being chucked out the window. The reasons? Finances. Again. But just in a different way this time around. Because I stopped going to school at Northwestern and I had loans there, they are now haunting me and I technically have to go back to school by the end of January or I will have to start paying them off. I am going to try to see if they can even be deferred during the time that I would be at YWAM because, honestly, I cannot afford to pay them off while I'm there. I literally do not have the money, which really sucks. Because I knew that this would be a possibility a couple of weeks after I found out that I couldn't go to YWAM in October, I have tried contacting both YWAM and the loan folks. YWAM took a little bit to get back to me (three weeks, actually), saying that I needed to talk to the loan people. Then I e-mailed them, coming back with a reply saying that the school would have to be Office of Education approved. So, with this, I will check with YWAM to see if they are OE approved (which I don't think that they are, but it's worth a try). If they are not, then I would have to take a survey thingamajig to see if it's even a possibility for the loans to be deferred. All-in-all, from what I see right now, YWAM just might not work out this January.

Due to this being a factor, I will be applying for a few different colleges. Some schools in Minnesota or any other state with reciprocity would probably be my way to go, since they all would be in-state, and Iowa State is still on my radar. No matter what, if I am supposed to be there, I will get there somehow. All that needs to happen is my effort. If I really want something, I need to try, even if that means failing again. Even though some things may have fallen apart or not worked out, I am still blessed beyond measure.

My faith and trust in God has been tested beyond the limits that I thought I had, but I know that He does not give us more than we can handle. He has given me so much more strength than I knew existed. I have recited Romans 8:28 to myself whenever anything is thrown my way, clinging to the truth that God has promised me. With everything, I must pray without ceasing; I must rely on God and His direction, realizing for myself the ultimate goal. Ever since YWAM did not work out in round one, I struggled with remembering my purpose. Why did I even want to do YWAM, exactly? Why do I want to do ministry and become a missionary? Why do I want to help people? Why does the pain and injustice of this world hurt me so badly? Why do I mourn over sin? What does compassion even mean? What does it look like? Why do I care so much? These are all questions that I have had to ask myself time and time again, along with many more, and it lifts me up a little bit every time that I am reminded. No matter what, I cannot give up on what I know God has called me towards, even though I don't know where to go just yet. He has called me towards a life of ministry and serving Him as well as others, so that is what I will do wherever He places me. And that may mean that I am dirt poor for the rest of my life, but I honestly could care less. I must continue fighting and keep my chin up, relying on the Lord for everything that I have. In these hours of doubts, I still see Him. And He is beautiful. And He is everything.

As I decide what to do, I ask for prayer for myself, as well as my family. There is much healing to be done in the brokenness, restoration to occur. I ask for prayer that I grow in Him, my faith becoming even stronger and for His strength to reign over my weaknesses. I long to become like the One that created me, in kindness, goodness, selflessness - to be sanctified day by day, my heart breaking for what breaks my Savior's. He is more than enough for me, and I need Him more every day.

"This is my prayer in the desert,
when all that's within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in the hunger and need:
My God is the God who provides."