The salt of the earth.

Yesterday, after a spontaneous lunch with a good friend of mine, I had an even more spontaneous theological discussion with three men sitting next to me. These three men were people that I had never met nor seen before in my life, but I jumped right in anyways. One was a freshman, Jonathan, also a Christian; and the two other men were professors at Iowa State. The man sitting next to me believed himself to be an atheist, talking about why he had been driven away from the church but wanted so badly to believe in Christ. The other man sitting across from me was, I believe to be, a Christian; perhaps he was a believer, perhaps he wasn't. He spoke as a believer, so I assumed him to be one.

They were talking about the hypocracy of the church, as well as why they both had left it: people would go with smiles and laughs on Sunday morning, talking about God, and live the rest of the week acting as if He did not exist. These men were craving kindness, they were craving grace, and they were craving genuinity; above all else, they were craving to see Jesus through believers. As we spoke, I wanted these men to see the grace of God. There was this strong desire within me to tell them how much He loved them and wanted them, which I did. And I just wanted to keep talking about grace, which I also did. The Holy Spirit totally took over. We continued discussing what the church was to look like, as well as how we have the opportunity to become like Christ and that the law was abolished after Christ came until the two men had to leave to teach class.

The young man stayed behind to pray with me, and he talked to me more about God and life in general. Then, once he was gone, it hit me: How come it was so easy for me to talk about Jesus with these complete strangers, and yet I sometimes do not talk about Him with those that I am close to? Ouch. Conviction. It happened. The fact is this: I should always be talking about Jesus. After all, He is my entire purpose. So why not? Fear is no good reason, because it no longer has a hold over my life. I should always take advantage of spreading the gospel.

And yet, at the same time, how beautiful is it that God did use me to plant a seed in the hearts of these men? Not only that, but to show them His scandalous and ravishing grace. It's also a comfort to know that Jonathan, who is filled with so much knowledge of the Bible and is so grounded, is a brother in Christ. I can only pray now that the words that I said would help them to see Jesus; I pray that I can show the face of the Savior not just through my speech, but through everything that I do.

Sometimes it astounds me to know that God can use someone like me. It's crazy to me how He can give me the words to say to spread His love at the most random times. Well, random to me. He can put me in situations to show His grace and mercy, letting His light shine through the darkness in me - letting me be the salt of the earth.

The purpose of me writing this is to show you that God can always, always use you, even when you may feel useless. He can shine through you, even when you are facing a mountain of discouragement in your heart. Whenever you feel alone? There are brothers and sisters all around you, and He gives you Himself. He will use these opportunities to bring everyone to Himself. Let your life be used to be kind-hearted, humble, and give glory to the One who made it - to become more like Christ, who gave His own for you, for we are children of the light. Let Him lead you.

Homeward bound.

Death can be very difficult and painful. It can do something in your heart that may feel uncomfortable; it can bring plenty of sorrow, or it can bring joy and relief.

In any situation, it stirs up a lot of emotions in our hearts. Throughout my life, from the time that I was four years old when my father's father passed away, I have known that it is just a part of life. It always hits home, though, especially when that person was very close to you. Recently it did, when my grandmother passed away very unexpectedly this weekend. Earlier this semester someone that I had taken care of passed away; before then, one of my grandfathers; there were suicides in towns close to mine, along with deaths of classmates because of car accidents.

With all of this, it has helped me to realized more and more how fleeting this life is. It can be gone in the blink of an eye; just before we know it, someone else is taken from this world. There have been shootings, bombings, murders. Every day. In Isaiah 40:6-8, it says this: "A voice says, 'Cry!' And I said, 'What shall I cry?' All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the Lord blows on it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever."

So what of it? What do we do then?

For me, it has opened my eyes to the need for each person that I come in contact to know that they are loved by the Savior of the world. Not only that, but that He died on the cross so that they may live eternally. The only reason why I am alive today is to proclaim the gospel to others- to give God all of the glory, in word, in deed, and in truth. I live to show that there is a hope after we leave this world. In God's Word, He reassures me of this fact time and time again.

Yes, I do believe that there can be joy in death. How? For those that believe in Jesus, they go to heaven. And praise Jesus. Forever and ever. If there isn't joy in that, I don't know what could be more joyous. F'real.

What comes to mind for me when I think of joy in death are these verses:

"When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

'Death is swallowed up in victory.'

'O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?'"

- 1 Corinthians 15:54-55

During this time, I am reassured that my grandmother is praising Jesus in heaven right now. And you know what? Her heart isn't hurting anymore; her lungs are entirely healed and she can breath like never before. She is completely restored with an entirely new body that I'm pretty certain is much better than my own.

Also, this:

"But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like His glorious body, by the power that enables Him even to subject all things to Himself."

- Philippians 3:20-21

This, too:

"For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.
So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil."
-2 Corinthians 5:1-10

I am filled with this peace that only Christ can give me. My heart is so full. Tears of both joy and sorrow will fill my eyes. And these eyes are fixed on Christ Jesus, for I am homeward bound. Even so, it is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul.

Wonderfully mind-boggled.

You know those times where something hits you like a bus, and you may be doing something seemingly trivial, but all of a sudden you are floored because it is just that extraordinary?

Well, that just happened. Whilst pondering on what I learned at connection group, over-thinking on my German homework, social media-ing, reading articles, and sitting on my couch. It's getting real late, but I am kind of awake. And it all hit me. Again.

God is incredible and beyond me.
He gives me gifts that I do not deserve.
He surrounds me with those that love me.
Most of all, He chooses to love me.
And He continually showers me with His grace.

Jesus extends to me kindness through strangers.
He blows my mind with the stars that are in the night sky.
Because of Him, the sun rises in its glory each day.
I am found in He who created me; my identity rests in Him.
And He surrounds me with Himself, giving me peace.

No matter what, the Lord is there for me always.
When I run away from Him, He waits.
He is patient with me in my ignorance.
He gives me joy in His presence.
And one day I will see His marvelous face.

Now I see small glimpses of Himself, but one day I will see Him, in all of His splendor and might. And on that day I will be filled with the greatest joy that I have experienced since the day that He first called me His child. For I am forever His and He is forever mine.

Blessed beyond measure.

I love this apartment. I love the ladies that I live with and the community that I've already been molded into. I love the Salt Company and my Connection Group even after meeting there only once, and I love all of the women that are in my group. I love Iowa State and Ames, Iowa. I love whatever it is that God may be doing. And I am stoked to continually give up control.

I hope and pray that being here will bring me closer and closer to my Creator. In the trials and situations gone awry, I hope and pray that I will find joy. This joy does not mean that I shouldn't feel pain or that I can't cry over being hurt. No, this joy means that I can look up to the sky and declare the goodness of the Lord for His eternal hope that He so graciously gave me. I hope and pray that I look to Him in all circumstances, with thanksgiving in all things. I hope and pray that He will continue to humble me, assuring me that I am being shaped into His image.

Day by day I am becoming more like His Son. He is the Potter and I am the clay; He is molding me. Each morning, His mercy is made new. I am covered by His grace every single time that I wake up. I am made new; He is making me new. Whatever has happened is gone when the sun sets, and a new day is coming - the sun is rising. I am restored and redeemed.

I am growing.

I am learning.

I am being renewed.

Above all...

I am blessed.

Lead me.

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I." - Psalm 61:2

I can't tell you how many times that I have recited this to myself over the last couple of weeks, but I have over and over and over again.

Well, my heart is overwhelmed. My entire self is overwhelmed.

My heart, my mind, my body - everything.

There are several reasons for this, and I won't go into details here, but I am very overwhelmed indeed more than I thought to recognize.

But the Psalmist, after telling of his own heart's condition, says this: "...lead me to the Rock that is higher than I."

Let's analyze this for a second:

He is asking for God to lead him. He is recognizing the power of God here and knows full well that God is so absolutely higher than he is.

So, during this time of being overwhelmed with a completely new atmosphere, homework that I don't really understand, and an entirely different lifestyle than I've ever had before, I like the Psalmist want to be led by the Rock that is higher than I. Because then and only then can I have the peace that I so desire to have. It is then and only then that I can have complete rest and sleep at night.

I may be very overwhelmed, but I am in His hands. I know that He is using all of this to stretch me. I am being led by the Rock that is higher than I.

A fresh start.

Starting over is one of my favorite things to do, whether it be in friendships or leaving a certain place. I like going to different places, especially those already familiar to me, with a renewed perspective and beginning again as if I hadn't been there before - fresh, a clean slate. That's how I feel about having moved here to Ames. It's bittersweet to think of the things that happened here in the past, especially how seemingly recent those things are (due to the fact that not much went on in my life in Watertown for the past three months).

Thinking of a couple of those situations I sometimes stop and think to myself "Oh, that happened, didn't it?" Then I go on with life, and it's as if it never happened. I used to resent that because I wanted it all back, chasing after answers and hating the thought of things being gone. Now I'm not quite sure how I feel about it all; I think I just miss things and people sometimes. Yes, I still have frustrations, and I am still struggling with questions. Yes, some things are painful to recall.

But these are situations that I find myself in and answers that I remind myself of...
In the confusion? Trust God and know that He is good. When the questions seem to overtake you? Keep trusting and remind yourself that He is good. When your heart aches? Continue to trust God, knowing that He is good. When you're still not okay and feel like giving in? Cling to the Rock that is higher than you, trusting in Him, and declaring that He is good.

Letting go and forgiveness are wonderful things in allowing yourself to start over. That's one thing that I've come to realize the last few months, and even the last couple of days. It's so freeing; it's also reassuring to know that God has a purpose, though I still may not entirely see what that it is yet. God is still at work and He is healing. The thing is, it's a process, and that is entirely okay.

For the last few months, I had struggled daily with finding forgiveness for others and moving past the hurt within me during my times in isolation. Ever since I wrote about fellowship, I craved it so much, but I just couldn't get the kind that I thought I needed. Looking back on it all, I see now that was God nudging me towards spending more time with Him, and I wish that I would have pushed myself to do so more when I was at home. The things that my heart couldn't seem to let go of were keeping me from seeking after Christ with everything. Daily I must forgive so that I may be forgiven, and daily I must give it up to Christ and He will pour into me His grace and mercy. Afterall, I get a new day every day - a chance to begin again.

Even within the last couple of days, my heart has been changing and I have learned that all of those things were smaller than I thought they were. I can move past it all - I can choose to move on now, every single day; and I am no longer stuck with those things that had been holding me back, keeping me from the very God that wanted to take it all from me. See, when I chose to follow after Christ, He didn't merely want small portions of my time - no, that wasn't it at all. What was it that Christ had wanted of me? He didn't want just my time or baggage or stuff: He wanted me, and He has crowned me as His daughter so that one day I can praise Him on His heavenly throne for all of eternity. Because all that matters is that He is glorified, not I. He is the one that should recieve all praise and adoration, not me, for all of the things that He does through me. I blame the Holy Spirit for any good that comes from me, because it's only by Him.

Praise God that I've been reminded of how precious that He is and that my time with Him is as well. Becoming so enthralled with Jesus again and again will help me to become more like Him; it's my goal to fall in love with Jesus more and more this semester, chasing after Him and letting Him chase after me. Now I have four gorgeous, God-fearing women to help me with that! They are all seriously so ravishing through and through, and I cannot wait to spend time with them. I am blessed beyond measure for God to have placed me in this apartment.

I am just real excited to see what God does while I am here at Iowa State this semester, especially with the people that He is surrounding me with! I am so glad to start anew, at a beautiful college (that is also much, much bigger than Northwestern by quite a bit). And I ask for prayer in regards to adjusting, which I feel will go very smoothly for me. I just have a lot to figure out, which is fine by me. I also have a few fears and anxieties about being here, but God has got my back. My biggest praise is that God has gifted me by placing me here, and I pray that He will use me to be His hands and feet in this place. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow.

The Truth.

One of my close friends did a post on all of the things that she has struggled with her entire life a couple of weeks ago, which is interesting to me because God was all like, "Amanda, you should share your story" not long before that. Then, after reading her post, I felt another nudge. So I am going to follow that nudge. It's taken me a while to do this, but I know that I should - I feel as if some of you might need to hear this.

Note: I struggle. A lot. In fact, I struggle every day. I am usually a pretty open person, so if you ask me questions, I will let you know things. Some may say that I trust too easily, but I don't know if I agree with that. Despite that, this seriously terrifies me. But, because I should, I will be vulnerable here. And honest. Because lies are silly. (Lies are a lot of other things as well, but I've been using that word for a lot of things lately, so I'm going to use it here.)

Throughout my life I have struggled with these lies that I have either been told by others, I have told myself, or society has told me.

1) The wrongs in my past that others committed are my fault.
I used to blame myself for my past, all of the things that happened to me from when I was a young'n up until high school. From the time that I was a little girl, I thought that there must have been something that I had done to deserve whatever had been inflicted upon me. I must have been a really bad girl too many times, and maybe hate is all that I should receive. So I punished myself through self-hatred, blaming myself for everything that ever happened to me. It was excruciating.

2) I am ugly and fat.
I couldn't ever see myself as beautiful. I would always look at myself in the mirror and be disgusted with everything that I saw, thinking that I was fat and repulsive, mostly fat. People didn't help, either, with the taunting. Some people would say things that stung like alcohol on an open wound, and it cut so deeply into me. I was bigger than most girls then, so people let me know that. Gotta love public middle school, right? With that, I ended up seeing my worth in the external.

3) I am stupid.
Growing up, I had a pretty hard time with school, especially with science and math. They would  continually put me lower and lower in each class, and I would always wonder why I wasn't as smart or talented as other people - why school just wasn't my thing. Because of that, I had begun at a young age to believe that I would not ever make the cut in anything and be a failure who wouldn't get very far at life. And I was in third grade, for goodness sake, already thinking that about myself. Sometimes I would stop trying because of negativity. So all of that was stuck in my brain for years and years, as I held dearly onto the lies.

4) I am a failure.
So many things haven't worked out, and I have failed at a lot of the things that I have tried. I would go onto the next thing - still nothing. Never getting anything that I worked for... All of that effort? Meaningless, because it won't ever happen. That was my mentality. Negativity would become all that I saw in myself as I would lose everything that slipped by, never to come into my grasp. This would range from things that were seemingly small to huge life decisions. Let's just say that everything hits home for me.

5) I don't deserve to be treasured.
In middle school and high school, I accepted the attention that I thought I deserved from guys. They would call me beautiful, if it was even that, sometimes even derogatory things that "flattered" me. Then they would be gone within the next second, after toying with my heart, leaving me there to deal with the pain. I would hold so dearly onto the interest that any boy would give me because I didn't see in myself what they swore that they saw in me. What did they ever see in me but being just another heart to break? Nothing, really. I always figured this out after the fact, though. They would treat me like trash, trying to change me; I let them, all because they were "interested" in me. The pain ensued. The cascade was opened, and I must not have deserved to be treasured by any man. All that I thought I deserved was rejection. I let the lies build up within me even more.

6) People don't care about the things going on in my life.
There would be times when I honestly thought that people could care less about my problems or struggles, so I wouldn't talk about them. Ever. I would bottle them up inside until I would explode, then more problems would be created from that. People would run away and I would be left knowing that they knew so much about me, yet they did not care about me or anything that I was facing anymore. People would treat me poorly, saying hurtful things or ignoring me and... poof! They were all-of-a-sudden out of my life. I would take the hits, letting them hurt me. I deserved it, though, because I held it all in, so that was my punishment. I must have done something to deserve it. I mean, who would want to be friends with me, anyways? Pain upon pain, bruise upon bruise, scar upon scar. I would continue to let people treat me like vermin because of all this. Lies.

7) My past wrongs will never be forgiven.
And all that I had done? Those mistakes, those things that I had done wrong? They couldn't be taken away. They haunted me. My past followed me and I could never escape. There was no such thing as grace. More lies.

You're fat, Amanda. And you have acne. How could you ever think that you were anywhere near beautiful when you look like that? And you failed another test... How stupid are you? And that didn't work out... Again? You are such a failure. No one could ever love you. Nobody will ever accept you. What have you done? You think that you can be forgiven and it can be taken away? Never. Those things will never be taken away. You deserve to be treated like the dirt that you walk on. All that you deserve is pain.

LIES. Every single one of those.

But I believed it all. I accepted the lies. I accepted the abuse. I accepted the pain being dished out to me. I believed that they were true - all of them.

I covered myself up with make-up, because it was my mask, a way to hide my so-called ugliness; I would stop eating and joined sports because I was "disgustingly overweight," even when I wasn't; and I accepted empty promises. I did and tried things that I shouldn't have, I hated myself all because I believed those lies...

...but then a light came into the darkness. A voice began to whisper into my ear as I was on my knees, sobbing...

You are beautiful, Amanda. I don't see any flaws in you. You are precious. You are not a failure, and you are not nothing. Your worth is found in Me alone. You are treasured and loved. I accept you, because you are my child. I will never leave you, nor will I give up on you. You are forgiven. You are a new creation. You are free. I took it all for you on that cross. I, the God of the universe, love you. And I will never hurt you.

STOP RIGHT THERE.
HOLD THE PHONE.

Say what?! So You mean to tell me that everything that I have ever done is erased, as if it was never there? I am beautiful to You? I am not a failure? You won't hurt me like the rest of them? I mean something?

YES YES YES.

Because of Christ's death and resurrection, I am a new creation.

Because Christ says so, I am:

1) not at fault for the things that people have done wrong against me.

2) beautiful because Christ created me, and it's what's on the inside that counts. Proverbs 31:30 and 1 Peter 3:3-4. BOOM.

3) intelligent; perhaps my knowledge in school isn't the same as others, but that doesn't make me stupid.

4) succeeding because of Christ, who was and is my best decision, so what can worldly failures do to me?

5) treasured by the Almighty God of the universe, and He alone gives me worth.

6) cared by others around me, especially Jesus.

7) forgiven, and I am a new creation, washed clean by the blood of Jesus Christ.

And, if I were to lie to you today, I would say that I don't believe the lies at all anymore. Yes, I still struggle with them. I wrestle every single day with understanding that the very God that holds everything together thinks the best of me, even though I may not all of the time. Satan still attacks me spontaneously, not nearly as much as he used to, by trying to get me to believe them.

I used to have to carry around a list of those truths with me daily, along with Bible verses, to prove to myself that all of those things that I thought about myself weren't true. That was until camp rolled around, which God used to break down those walls and gave me the confidence that I had never had my entire life. He gave me strength that came from Him alone, and He continues to give me that strength. The piece of paper was labeled "The Truth" at the very top. How fitting. I don't know where that list is today, but He has used it in my life and the lives of others. I have it practically memorized by now anyways.

My insecurities still exist, some more prominent than others; however, my God always tells me what He whispered into my ear the day that I came to believe in Him. Praise the Lord that I don't have to be perfect and that He is the strength in my weaknesses - that I don't have to have it all together when I go before Him. Praise God for the truth.

The lies that I have believed about myself are exactly why I want to help others going through the same things, letting them know that they, too, are loved by the Creator. I care far too much about others to not do that type of ministry. Like, seriously. Young women going through abuse and neglect, children that have special needs and have no place to call home - those are the people that I long to reach out to and show the love of Jesus Christ. All of what I said about my struggles? That is precisely why helping people is my passion and telling them that they are treasured by Christ, because this world needs to hear the truth.