Carry Me by Jenny & Tyler

Broken-hearted I come;

My cup is empty, my mouth is dry.
See how quickly I fall,
Burdened with darkness,
Heavy in lies.

I want to cry, but I can't;

I try to stand, but I fall down again.

I need You to carry me;
I need You to carry me;
I need You to carry me
When I am weak.

O this can't be enough
To just say I'm sorry, to confess my fault
When I've hurt You so much.
And now I am asking for You to do more.

I want to cry, but I can't;
I try to stand, but I fall down again.

I need You to carry me;
I need You to carry me;
I need You to carry me
When I am weak.

I'm always weak...
When I first met you, I drew you in close to me,
Your weaknesses covered with strength and security.
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave.
Child, believe; child, believe.

...but You are strong.
When I first met you, I drew you in close to me,
Your weaknesses covered with strength and security.
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave.
Child, believe; child, believe.

I need You to carry me;
I need You to carry me;
I need You to carry me
When I am weak.

{A message from God to humanity.}

I have this problem called sin.

I just want to talk about how good Jesus is
And how much I am not, because I keep hiding
The shame that I hate so dearly within this
Heart shaped like a flower, ready to bloom,
But I won't let it because of this paralyzing fear
That you'll judge me. And you are judging me
With pursed lips and snide eyes gazing
At this circus act that I call my life.

But I am judging you, too, because for some reason

This brain is fixated on the fact that your sin

Must be so much worse than my own, when

In reality, that is a lie straight from the pits

Of flames blazing, created by the father of lies.

Lies! I keep doing it, and I pray that God

Saves me from my deceptive tongue and

Rotting flesh, joining in His glory up above.

I just want to talk about how deserving He is
And how much I am not, because I keep falling
Away from Him, down a colliding waterfall
That somehow keeps going backwards -
Back to where the river is calm and I try
To tread above the rocky depths, gasping
For air as I slip again. But I am saved by
Someone calling my name and taking my hand.

I have this problem called sin that I hide

Because I am scared of what you would say

If you found out that I am struggling with

Something seemingly small. Well, I struggle

To find a way to tell you what is going on

Inside of this heavy heart and head that feel

As heavy as lead and a pile of fresh-cut bricks.

And it aches and wrenches at me daily.

I just want to talk about how merciful God is,
And how much I need Him, because I keep failing.
I am as broken as a mangled body that fell from
A skyscraper, and I scrape on by, as He picks up
The falling pieces of me, to place it all back to
Make me whole again. I am renewed again.
He puts me together again, even though I keep
Being broken up again and again and again.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. I don't have much time

To give this up, to fight the urge to hold in -

Hold everything back that I need to scream.

I need to get it out to you, because it haunts me,

Like some ghost in a vacated building waiting.

But I just need to say it, and will you listen?

Listen! I am trusting you to hear me out,

Somehow helping me to come to terms with it.

I just want to talk about how forgiving God is,
And how I am nothing, because I keep grazing
Grace, passing on by, realizing that He is enough
For me and for you and for the entire population
Of man, who too scrapes on by, running away
From the arms of the Savior and into the depths
Of the rest of our deprived generation that has
Yet to see the eyes of loving kindness here.

Be here now.

I'm just going to be brutally honest with you, as well as myself: I have been terribly impatient. I have been trying to make what is not yet to be to happen now. I want to be at YWAM right now, to go to school right now; I want the healing process to end and the pain to end right now, broken relationships to be mended right now; I want to be with Jesus right now; I want [insert something here]... right now. I keep wanting to speed up what has not yet come because I want to know where I'm going and what God is doing in my life. Is that wrong? Yes. Is that natural for me to feel at the moment? Yes, but it's still wrong. I must surrender that to the very God that created me. I feel as if everything that I have talked about goes back to surrender, but all things involving faith and trust usually do - heck, anything involving being a follower of Jesus Christ has everything to do with surrender.

The want to know (not need to know, because we don't need to know) what is yet to come is wired within us. I was given a book to read that I finished not too long ago, concerning God's ultimate will for our lives. What it said stuck out to me like a sore thumb: "Live for God. Obey the Scriptures. Think of others before yourself. Be holy. Love Jesus. And as you do these things, do whatever else you like, with whomever you like, wherever you like, and you'll be walking in the will of God." The author had also given evidence from Scripture time and time again, pointing to the fact that God really gives us a lot of free reign, more than we would think. As long as we are loving the Lord with all of our heart, soul, and mind, as well as our neighbor as ourselves (Luke 10:27), keeping with His commandments, we are walking in His will. There is so much more that I learned from that book, but I won't go into that here.

I will be working full-time for the next few months in order to get to YWAM, and in the meantime I will be applying to colleges for next fall. I will be going to the Compassion DTS in YWAM Denver this coming January. If it doesn't work out for some reason or another, I will figure something else out. But all of that will come in time. While I am here, I refuse to just sit and not do anything because I'm not meant to live life that way, waiting for God to "show me the way" and speed up the process. After all, I am here, not anywhere else, and I am going to be here for the next three months. I strive to be content with where I am at, as well as patient. It is my prayer that I say this: "If the Lord wills, I will live and do this or that," as it says (slightly tweaked by me) in James 4:15. And as Ray LaMontagne would advise, I will "be here now."

"We all have the trick of saying—If only I were not where I am!—If only I had not got the kind of people I have to live with! If our faith or our religion does not help us in the conditions we are in, we have either a further struggle to go through, or we had better abandon that faith and religion."

Out of the wreck I rise.

I have been praying a lot lately about what has been going on in my life, wondering many things and asking God to lift me up. It has been difficult to feel stable when so many things have been thrown at me the last couple of weeks, attempting to knock me down, which have definitely hit me physically now. But He has promised me that I can handle this - actually, scratch that, that He can handle this.

C.S. Lewis is by far one of my favorite authors and theologians. I could just quote him all day, but he really does say some fantastic stuff! One thing that I read the other day was this: "Faith is the art of holding onto things in spite of your changing moods and circumstances." As I read this, I sat and thought for a while about if I had truly been doing that. Have I been letting my emotions and circumstances get in the way of holding onto my Rock? And when I asked myself that question, I was at fault. I had felt myself slipping quickly from the Cornerstone. I had indeed been letting all of those things get in the way, especially as of late.

Why is surrender so hard? It's hard for everyone because we are stubborn and set on the belief that I had: that we can do it on our own and that we can handle it. But what a silly thing to tell a God that has endured all things, a God that has seen it all and has helped every other person struggling with the same thing. Now, I'm not saying that it's wrong to feel the pain and anger that you may feel. I feel that way, and I'm not going to sugar-coat the fact that I am a complete and total mess, but what are we leaning on? Whose peace are we seeking after? Because He will freely give it to us. Holding onto the Rock and mighty Fortress is always a good life decision.

I have faith in His promises for me and I am still trusting His direction. I am well aware of the fact that the Lord gives and He takes away. He does everything for a reason. I may not see it at the time that it all has been happening, but He does and I must keep trusting - I must keep fighting. His grace covers me, and I do not deserve anything that He has given me in the first place. So if He takes it from my hands, then that's how it is. Everything that I ever thought was mine is truly His, including my very own heart and soul. So even in times of pain and overwhelming circumstances such as now, I am still going to praise Him, for He is always worthy. His love and grace for me will never fail and it will always be more than enough for me. I will try my best to "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer," as I am told to be in Romans 12:12. No matter what, God has a plan and a purpose.

"You are love, Lord, 

perfectly defined.

Through the suffering or joy,

we will confide in Your perfect love.

 A mind full of questions

and a future unclear,

but Your perfect love scatters fear."


"Your plan is perfect.
Bewildering. Puzzling. Troubling.
But perfect."

Come together.

Fellowship. I have come to realize how important that it truly is. There is something so distinct about God's people joining together, so alive and vulnerable, to worship Him as one body. It just draws me in. I miss the fire - I miss that burning flame. As most of you know, I am very much a people person. I love being around people, talking with people, laughing with people... I am definitely an extrovert in the way that I feed off of other's energy and emotions. I fall in love with the passion that they have, even more so when it's the same as mine. As of the time that I got back from my first little excursion to Iowa, whenever I have been at home, I have been cooped up in my house by myself. And let me tell you, it has driven me absolutely insane - straight up the wazoo, especially because everyone is gone and I do not have a car. I don't see how some people do it; I couldn't after these next three months. But the truth is, I am lacking some extremely vital things: accountability, encouragement, and time spent with those that are at the same level as me in life.

I am just saying that we need all need community, no matter who we are. We absolutely must listen to Hebrews 10:24-25. A few months ago, the senior pastor at my home church told a story about a man that had stopped going to his church. His pastor had stopped by his abode to check on him, just to see how he was doing. The man had a fire going just before the pastor came by, because it had been awfully chilly that day. They were talking for quite some time, the pastor asking the man why he hadn't been going to church. All of a sudden he took a pair of tongs and picked out a coal from the fireplace, the man bewildered and perplexed. It took a while, but eventually the coal burnt out because it was left on its own, away from the flame. He then proceeded to tell him that he was that coal, and the rest of the fire needed him and he needed them just the same. How true is that? If we stop talking to, being around, or anything involving lack of interaction with people, our fire for God burns out and the rest of the body can feel it because they just know that something, or someone, is missing. Before you go any further, read 1 Corinthians 12:14-26 and you will see what I mean.

We are meant for community. We are not called to be separated from each other. Time and time again we are told how important the body is, and that we are united as one in Christ Jesus. The Lord wants us to be together, so why would be push ourselves away? We are the church - we are the body of Jesus, meant to come as one and be with God. And together we will worship Him for all of eternity. Just don't give up.

"If one member suffers, all suffer together;

if one member is honored, all rejoice together."

- 1 Corinthians 12:26

Find your kindness now.

Recently I have been thinking about what kindness looks like, which is due to the fact that I have been listening to some Rend Collective Experiment and Jenny & Tyler. The lyrics of a few songs of theirs' speak of our society, ourselves, and people in general, echoing my own thoughts and feelings exactly as of late. It's been bothering me, and I have talked with a friend about it, but not as in-depth as I would have liked. It is most definitely a hard subject to touch on because of all that it entails, and I could go more into it than I am planning on, but I will make it shorter for your sake. With all of this, I have found that kindness is sometimes difficult to stumble upon. There is a quote that often think of because it rings so much truth, and it goes like this: "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." It's not very often that I see others doing or saying something to help another person in some sort of way. We see more cruelty every day than the love that we long to see and take hold of ourselves. But when I come across at least "the smallest act of caring," I am blown away by how incredible that it truly is and how much power it could have to change a life.

I wonder what our lives would look like if we did more for others rather than limiting ourselves to showing compassion to only certain people. What about the "untouchables" of society? Don't they still need love? What ever happened to sacrificing one's wants and needs for the sake of another? As I have been thinking about all of those things, a poem that I had written a couple of years ago and posted on here seems perfect for this. It's a very angry poem, but it's filled with much accuracy. I titled it "Never for the World" because of this: we are always so set on ourselves and what is best for us, rather than what may be best for the other person. We can see it everywhere, that there is pain and sorrow and bitterness every time that we look into another's eyes. Why can't we just get over ourselves? What if we were to reach out to the man with the awkward social tendencies, or even the man that is sitting on the side of the highway with nothing to eat or drink? We may think that it's best for us to just keep on going as we were before on our own merry way, but do we ever stop to realize that perhaps they have absolutely no one to talk to and everybody avoids them like the plague? And that man or woman on the side of the highway could possibly be a drunkard, but what if we assumed for once that they weren't and took them out to lunch? What if we were not too quick to judge them?

Selfishness and all of that jazz is wired within us, and that selfishness is mirrored throughout all of society, as I am sure that you have noticed like I have. But maybe, just maybe it doesn't have to be that way. Maybe people could do things for others in a genuine manner instead of just brushing them off and looking after themselves. Maybe sacrificial people still exist, with genuinely compassionate hearts. Maybe we need an example. Maybe that example has already been given to us. And maybe without Him we cannot truly do or be anything selfless. This example of Christ and His humility is told so beautifully in Philippians 2, which you should definitely read through. It shows us how we ought to strive to be like the one that wants to give us hearts just like His own.

If only we would lay down our lives for the sake of another, despite what others may think about us, dying daily to ourselves and letting the Spirit of God dwell within our hearts. Then we would truly be able to become more like the man who paid the ultimate price - who portrayed the ultimate sacrifice. He gave Himself to be sin for all of us. All that we must do is surrender to Him and we will be free from the slavery of sin - we will be free. And we must share and show that hope to others, no matter where they may have come from.

Sometimes there is only so much that we can do for others, things that they may be going through being beyond our human help. That is when they need Jesus - the Healer. It also very much depends on the circumstances. I learned a lot about that last year, through much heartbreak and many tears. Everything that I have gone through always has taught me something. That brings to mind a C.S. Lewis quote that goes like this: "Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." C.S. Lewis was so right. I would often find myself being angry and upset or crying about other people's sorrow and the suffering that they had experienced, wishing that I could just take all of it from them. It was like I would seem to forget that Jesus already did that, and all that I had to do was tell them exactly that (which I realized later). I am not saying that I am the perfect example by any means, because I, too, am at fault, and I am a lot. We all fail and fall short; we are all messes; and we all have our vices. I am human, and God is still working within me to make me more like the Son. My point in that story is this: We can only be so much for others, and we can only take on so much ourselves, but that does not give us an excuse to give up on them. After we tell them to go to Jesus, we must intercede on their behalf through prayer. We can find our kindness. But we must find Jesus before we do so and we must surrender to the Holy Spirit, allowing Him change our lives and transform our hearts.

"Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, let me pardon.
Where there is darkness, let the Light come, come."

"May I incarnate Your kindness, Lord...

Let my delight be living out Your dreams, washing dirty feet, and kissing Yours.

God, let Your dreams come true - dream through us."

An abundance of blessings & a rearranged outlook.

YWAM people are just awesome. Like, seriously. I cannot wait to go there. I called them today to tell them that I really did not have the money to go on Monday, asking a whole bunch of other questions. They ended up praying over me twice and were extremely encouraging. They're pretty neat. I am so stoked to be a part of such a Spirit-led place! BAAAHHH. It makes me really happy. And another awesome thing: It looks like the Lord is already providing a way for me to be able to go to YWAM this coming January! I got a job working at a group home in town until I live in, which is just cool beans. Praise Him!

I must admit that it feels very strange for me to be back at home, even more so now than it would have if I was to be on my way to Colorado this Sunday night. It's especially due to the fact that all of my friends are off at college, or some that are seniors in high school this year. It's odd to not be in classes or have homework to do. Confession: the entire time that I've been home while everyone is gone I have secretly wished that I had homework to do or school to go to. Is that sad? I feel as if it is... I also would not have seen myself being here from the time that I left camp until YWAM stuff got rolling. I suppose it proves my previous point of God's plans being entirely different than I thought they would be. God is just taking me in such different directions than I would have expected! It goes to show how flexible and willing I must be in my walk with Him. My oh my has all of this been stretching. And I still have much left to learn! I'm not even close to being done growing in my faith walk - not in the least. Jesus has been oh-so-faithful to me, and I am so in awe that, despite my daily failings, He still chooses to call me His daughter. It's amazing.

Last night after Nate and I went to The Head and the Heart concert (which was utterly incredible, to put it lightly), we went back to my house and had tea, then chatted for a while. During that time I started looking back on all that I had gone through before I had come to know Christ, realizing once more how much the Lord has blessed me with and healed me from. I saw the grace and mercy that He had revealed to me, how much He has transformed my entire life, turning it upside-down in such a marvelous and beautiful way. Through all of those struggles, that pain and sorrow, that shame - guilt, He has shown me how much better life is if only I seek after Him whole-heartedly, completely and recklessly abandoned to the call that He has placed on my heart, allowing Him to show me the love that He has for me. There is nothing else that He asks of me but to continually drop everything and run to Him, loving Him, others, as well as myself with my heart, my soul, and my mind - all of me. Thinking about all that God has done for me just fills my heart with such joy! I am absolutely unworthy, but I am reminded time and time again that He has given it all to me anyways because of His kindness. He is just so good.

I just really want to let you all know how grateful I am for all of your prayers, encouragement, and any kind of support that you have given me. I appreciate it more than words can express - truly truly.