You are important. You are valuable. And you are treasured.
That is the truth that God says about you. Always.
You will always be loved. You will always find grace. And you will always find hope.
For some strange reason, that first part is easy for me to tell everyone... but myself.
You see, I am very silly to myself. And this has been such a huge struggle in my life for as long as I can remember. I hope that my honesty can encourage you in some way, especially if you struggle with the same thing.
Honestly, I am constantly frustrated with myself. I often find myself wondering, screaming from the depths of myself, "Why can't you just love yourself already? Why don't you know how to take care of yourself? Just fix yourself already! It's not healthy! You need sleep and you need food."
Maybe whenever I see you, I may tell you how I stayed up until 5 in the morning last Monday night and had not eaten anything since 3 pm that day, without a solid reason. Then I might say how I need to take better care of myself. It has been such a vicious cycle that I pray God will free me of, because it's exhausting and brutal. And you may get frustrated with me as well, because you care about me and love me. The only reason that I can give for the fact that I don't help myself is this: it has been a hard for me to do that my entire life. Caring and loving others? That is so easy for me, because I see their worth. Caring and loving myself? That is difficult, because I don't see my own worth. That also goes back to my past self-hatred and people-pleasing. I also have anxiety and depression issues to go along with that. Basically, Through Your Eyes by Jenny and Tyler describes me perfectly. (If you haven't listened to it before, please do!)
What I have come to terms with, though, is that it may take me my entire life for things to change entirely. I used to always say that I can't truly care for others until I care for myself, but that is a lie, straight-up, because I care so much - that is a fact for sure. As crazy as it seems, I love everyone that I come into contact with - no matter what may happen, I always will.
One truth, during those times that I don't treat myself as I should, that I must remind myself is this: I am the Lord's temple. I belong to Jesus. I am His and He is mine. I am a child of the most high God. The Holy Spirit dwells within me. He has been stretching me in regards to this ever since I recognized it as a trouble, and I pray that He will continue to bring healing to me.
With that, know that when you tell me to take care of myself, it is not dismissed. I also apologize for seeming to ignore you in those situations. I merely ask for patience and acceptance, forgiveness and a listening ear.
I am not something to be fixed, because I am constantly broken. God just keeps piecing me back together, as He tells me everything will be okay and shows me that He is there. He also reminds me that He wants to take over me. (Also, these verses are good stuff.) When I do this, I also look to Christ's example of how He loved others, yet He still did take care of Himself. He was not selfish in taking care of Himself, not in the least, so I am not selfish to want to care for myself and love myself as Christ does. I long to mirror His humility in a healthy and proper way that brings God all the glory.
I am still learning. A lot. He is still showing me ways that I can help myself.
He is also continually showing me that He is Lord over the lies - that...
I am important. I am valuable. And I am treasured.
That is the truth that God says about me. Always.
I will always be loved. I will always find grace. And I will always find hope.
