I am addicted to social media.

The other day, a girl that I know from camp posted about social media. And oh my was it eye-opening for me. Her vulnerability was no-doubt admirable, and pretty much everything that she had to say was exactly what was going on in my life. (I'll post a link to it on the bottom, too. Because it's so good.)

The title of the post was "I Am Enslaved to Social Media."

So, I will openly admit it as well, in a different way than she did: not only am I a slave to social media, but I am addicted. More than I'd like to admit.

Usually when you think of addictions, it's drugs or sex or money, et cetera. But this is a bit different than the "usual." I am extremely addicted to social media, and have been for a very long time. So much so that I am practically glued to my nifty little iPhone and laptop.

This addiction has caused a lot of problems in my friendships, as well as any other relationships. Because I am on my phone, scrolling through Instagram or Facebook or whatever else, so will my friends. And hence the relationship dwindles.

About a month ago, I was convicted by this through a video on Youtube called "I Forgot My Phone." (I'll link it on here.) But that wasn't enough to make me stop looking at my phone. I still did it, and my face-to-face interactions became distant and almost indifferent. Then I was convicted again, even worse, when what happened in the video actually happened first-hand in my life.

That apparently wasn't enough to snap me out of it... Until I read the blog post that worded stuff a little differently to me. Then, and only then, did I view it as the same truth of my life.

When I first signed up for MySpace, then Facebook and Twitter, Tumblr and Pinterest, and so many more... did I expect it to ensnare me the way that it has? Not in the least, but it most certainly has. Time and time and time again. And I can almost guarantee that I have spent a shameful amount of hours on it in my day.

Not only has it been put above my relationships with others, it has been put above my relationship with the Lord, which is probably the hardest for me to admit. Instead of spending my morning or evening in the Word or in prayer at the beginning and end of the day, you will definitely find me on my phone or laptop, tweeting or editing pictures or scrolling up and down on my Facebook news feed. No joke. And I am extremely embarrassed and ashamed of that, to be honest.

But you know what is the most freeing about all of this? It can, and will, change. Things don't have to stay the way that they are for me. I have the power to stand up to it all and make a change. I don't have to feel the shame and guilt and humiliation, because I have a God that tells me He is sovereign and He reigns over it all, and He will take it away. With this, though, I know that I can't do it on my own strength; God can help me more than I can help myself. It may take quite a bit of time, deleting things off of my phone and spending less time on my laptop, but I can do it.

I don't have to be defined by editing my pictures a certain way, posting them on Facebook or Instagram, or even how I myself look, and I do not have to be defined by the lives of others. I am defined by the One who chose to look upon me and call me His daughter - daughter of the most-high King. And that's what matters most to me.

The Thoughts of a Social Work Major.

This last month has been... extremely busy. And slightly chaotic. In ways that usually are not. Whew! I have been exhausted all the time. But my oh my have I been learning.

As I've been going through classes, as well as different things for Cru, I can't help but constantly be bothered by the turmoil in this world.

For starters, I am a social work major. And I have been taught that goodness gracious is there a lot of stuff going on. Two classes of mine have stood out to me more than the others: Intro. to Social Work and International Justice. Every single time that I have both classes, my life is entirely rocked in some way. It's like a wake-up call daily. We talk about the injustice in the judicial systems around the world in one class; and in the other, we talk about the injustice, but also growth and historical change, in social systems in America.

There have been a few questions that have been raised for myself throughout this month:

As my class talks about Rwanda and other countries, how can I not see the atrocities going on involving hunger, genocide, and child soldiers? As I was read the local newspaper, how can I not be bothered by the article showing the fact that there are over 300 people in the FM area that are homeless? As I am at the group home that I work, how can I not have compassion on the men that I work with? Listening to what is being said in my Sophomore Training Group, how in the world can I be so paralyzed to stay safe, when there is death everywhere I turn? How can I not see the pain? Will I be willing to drop everything - abandon myself, no matter what the cost, to reach people with the Gospel of Jesus Christ? How am I being a light to this world full of darkness right now? How can I be blind to the need that is staring me right in the face?

All of the things influencing me have caused me to think deeply on the answers to all of these questions, all of which have been tough to answer. But I can see this: There is a need for justice and love and grace and kindness in every single part of our world.

As a side-note, but something that has been made extremely relevant to me... One of the videos that we watched in my social work class was suuuper encouraging to me, making me realize that: 1) I am definitely in the right major, and 2) I am not just a helper: I am a person that changes lives. I can impact the world at this moment; I have the ability to change it. I can be the one to give a voice to the voiceless; I can be the help to the helpless; I can be a positive influence in the lives of those seeping with negativity; and, by the power of the Holy Spirit, I can show that God gives life to the lifeless. 

This school and MSUM's Cru have impacted my life and challenged me in such incredible ways already, and there are so many questions that I don't know if I can answer right now - at least not in the way that I would like to yet. But it's a comfort to know that, despite all of this, I am being shaped to be more like Christ. I know I say that a lot, but it's true. There is always more growth to be done in me. He will continue to grant me His compassion for the world, He will give me boldness, He will humble me daily, and He will transform my heart to break for this hurting world as His does. It is my hope and prayer that I never take His grace for granted a single day in my life, and that I extend it to those that I encounter on a daily basis.

A new place to call home.

Well, a lot keeps changing in my life. I think that's probably the best way to describe things. As in, a lot has changed since my last blog post. Last time around, I had said some things about what I was possibly doing and where I was possibly going next in life. God keeps taking me on so many journeys, which has turned out to be really incredible.

As of last week, I was presented with a really awesome opportunity: To live in an apartment in Fargo, North Dakota with three godly, Christian women that go to NDSU! I, on the other hand, am planning on going to MSU - Moorhead. Which should be interesting, but adventurous! Everything always seems to turn out that way, wherever I seem to go and end up. This time it was probably as last-minute as ever, since I just decided a week ago and I'm moving into my new apartment tomorrow... And I just started packing today. Ha. Yeah. Surprise surprise!

Despite the last-minuteness of the situation, as well as not ever knowing what I'm doing once I get there... I am still pretty excited to see what happens and what comes to be! We'll see what fate there is to be found in Fargo. (See what I did there? Alliteration is great. ^_^)

As my favorite Doctor would say: "Allons-y!"

Goodbye, Iowa State.

This one has been brewing for quite a while now, probably due to me being a busy bee and I have had to do a lot of thinking over the past month. (Also, Nicole and my best friend from Germany have been home. Sooo... that. Also, shenanigans.)

Well, let's just say that the title of this one says all. I must leave another college that I love, this one being Iowa State. And yes, it is due to financial reasons. Literally the story of my life. But seriously, I'm not joking. Money is always a huge issue for me, and most likely will be my entire life. But it's fine. I've got God, and that is all that matters. Life is an open book for me.

To be honest, I have known that I wasn't going back for a long time. Not very many people have been told, so I apologize if I have left you in the dark, but it's been pretty difficult for me to come to terms with leaving another college again. It has caused me a lot of frustration and anxiety, and a lot of questions. I understand that Iowa State wasn't as expensive as Northwestern was, but it still makes me upset to have to leave. But I must accept it again. I've been learning a lot about that.

From here on out, I have no idea where I will be going. I applied to a couple of colleges, but I'm not sure if it was too late or not. I forgot to send in a few things, so we shall see! My memory sometimes... Again, it's all kind of up in the air. That, too, is the story of my life. I never know what I'm doing. Which I am still learning to accept. Because it happens all the time. Lord, help me. Ha. One blessing, though, from all of this is the fact that it's caused me to be such an insanely flexible person. Which is great. I love being open to whatever comes my way. I have been taught to be assertive, no matter what happens, which is also something I am still learning about all of this. I am being incredibly stretched. Hallelujah - solo deo gloria.

With this I will say:
Goodbye, Iowa State! I'll see you some other time.
Hello, mystery and the rest of my crazy, unorganized life.

Regarding relationships.

This may will get a bit harsh. But it's the truth. And I'm just going to be straight up. Sorry, not sorry. It's something that I've heard addressed and talked a lot about within the last couple of years, especially since going to Northwestern College and The Salt Company at Iowa State. As I'm saying that (as well as if you look at the title), I'm sure you know what it is that I'm talking about...

There has been this obsession in the church and anything Christian for relationships, specifically to find a spouse and be with somebody else. Everyone knows it; that's how it is, and has been that way for a very long time. While it is not a bad thing to desire marriage in your life, it must never get in the way or be put above your relationship with God. Never ever ever. And it should not be as obsessed over as it is.

I am tired of romantic relationships being as glorified much as they are, and I am through with people idolizing other people. Because, truth is, no relationship is going to satisfy you... except for your relationship with Christ. Nobody is going to do to your soul what you need the most... besides God. Single or not, Christ is where your deepest longings will be met. He alone can quench your inner thirst, feeding your inner craving for something more than anything here on this earth.

Not going to lie, society doesn't help with this, either. It encourages selfishness in friendships, as well as other relationships. But that's a whole other thing that I won't get into here.

In some friendships, it [a relationship, or lack thereof] is brought up a lot. More than anything else. The person will talk about how single they are, then they talk about how they've been heart-broken. So I talk about my past relationships and what I've learned from them, then they talk about their list of potentials to date/marry... That goes on in every single conversation. And I am not even joking. They linger on their past failures in this area, as do I, then try to think of somebody to fill this newly-found hole in their heart. It's unpleasant. And highly discouraging. But really. Calm it down. Calm. It. Down.

My three questions for those people, as well as anyone else who is unsatisfied with their singleness, are as follows: Can't we just talk about God, as well as other things that matter, and not how single we are? Why is Christ all-of-a-sudden "not enough" for you? And, last but not least, since when is being single such a bad thing? I know that it may seem to suck seeing friends getting in relationships, engaged, or getting married, but why does it have to? It's an exciting time for those people, even though you may not be in that spot right now. Embrace where God has you right now, because there is nothing wrong with where you are in regards to your "lack of relationship." Seriously, though. If you think that, look at the life of Paul - better yet, look at Jesus. (I know that there are all of these theories and silly things saying that He got married... but they're all wrong. Yep, yes they are.) Anyway...Do you see them having been in a relationship, or having been married? No. Was that a bad thing? Not in the least. They still sought after God. Now look where they are: With God, and Jesus is sitting at His right hand, where they both belong.

You can find your growth and freedom in Christ, and in life in general, without being with someone. Honestly, for me, it is the greatest place that I could be at right now. And I am extremely content and freed with that place. Which is a total gift of God.

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying in the least that I hate all of that. I actually love it. A lot. Love is lovely. It's a beautiful thing, as well as super encouraging, to see godly relationships, and marriages that take Ephesians 5 seriously: loving each other as Christ loved us, the church - His bride.

To all of the fellow single people out there:
Go look into Scripture at the life of Christ. Look into the life of Paul. And delve deeply into all that God did through them, despite their relationship status.

Stop the searching. Quit dwelling. Embrace where you are. If you can't yet, try to let go and move on. Go - humble yourself before the throne of the Holy One. Think optimistically about your life. Look up. Don't avoid those in a relationship, getting engaged, or married like the plague. Learn from them. If there is mending yet to be done in your heart from a past relationship or situation, take a step back and let your heart mend until you try to be with someone else. Give it to God. If somebody great comes your way, don't let them pass you by, do not take them for granted, and don't rush anything. Learn from what you go through. Find your satisfaction in God. Seek after Christ, above all else. Live life in freedom, for He has already set you free.

Even so, it is well with my soul.

It's been quite some time since I've last written on here! And a lot in life has changed this past month.

It has definitely been a crazy one, if I must say so. Much has changed, some stuff not so great, other things fantastic. Through it all, God is still good to me no matter what is thrown my way.

One thing that I have come to notice is this: When I start trying to rely on myself, things don't go very well. Also, whenever I do what I want instead of what I know is right, God shakes me up a little bit and whatever it was doesn't work out. Actually, scratch that last part: It only works out for so long. In other words, it is extremely temporary. Which is actually okay.

Because of money issues, I am home right now. And will be for the rest of the summer. Not in Ames, like I thought it would be. Life can get expensive when going by your own means. (I really don't like money. It stinks. Especially when it's lacking immensely.) Being home is soothing and healing to the soul. It's still difficult for me to have left Ames, but I firmly believe that, after much counsel throughout the past week, my decision to come home was the most wise. Now, looking for someone to take my spot for June & July will be difficult... but that's something I can [and am trying to] worry about when I absolutely need to. I need a break from stress. Seriously. I truly do.

It's been crazy to look at all that God has been doing, as well as seeing and trusting what He is yet to do in my life. I am constantly learning more about His provision for me, which has been awesome more than anything else. It's challenged me to be more patient - so much more patient - and self-controlled, as well as faithful to the One that is faithful to me and to others.

My life verse has been Psalm 61:2. It's such a beautiful reminder in times like these.

I have yet to make decisions about next year. A lot has come up, and, honestly, I am not sure I can even afford Iowa State anymore. Which is another thing that I need to decide, but for now I keep seeking after Christ and giving my worries to Him.

It is my prayer and deepest longing to look these fears, as well as other fears to come, in the face and say, "Even so, it is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul."

The one thing that I need to think of right now is how I can best glorify Christ with my life. So I will do that, with all of my heart and soul.

God is worth all of this turmoil; He is worth all of the hardships and problems. His grace overwhelms my brokenness, for He is holy and merciful. He is making me whole. And it is well with my soul.

As Christ has loved me.

You are important. You are valuable. And you are treasured.
That is the truth that God says about you. Always.
You will always be loved. You will always find grace. And you will always find hope.

For some strange reason, that first part is easy for me to tell everyone... but myself.

You see, I am very silly to myself. And this has been such a huge struggle in my life for as long as I can remember. I hope that my honesty can encourage you in some way, especially if you struggle with the same thing.

Honestly, I am constantly frustrated with myself. I often find myself wondering, screaming from the depths of myself, "Why can't you just love yourself already? Why don't you know how to take care of yourself? Just fix yourself already! It's not healthy! You need sleep and you need food."

Maybe whenever I see you, I may tell you how I stayed up until 5 in the morning last Monday night and had not eaten anything since 3 pm that day, without a solid reason. Then I might say how I need to take better care of myself. It has been such a vicious cycle that I pray God will free me of, because it's exhausting and brutal. And you may get frustrated with me as well, because you care about me and love me. The only reason that I can give for the fact that I don't help myself is this: it has been a hard for me to do that my entire life. Caring and loving others? That is so easy for me, because I see their worth. Caring and loving myself? That is difficult, because I don't see my own worth. That also goes back to my past self-hatred and people-pleasing. I also have anxiety and depression issues to go along with that. Basically, Through Your Eyes by Jenny and Tyler describes me perfectly. (If you haven't listened to it before, please do!)

What I have come to terms with, though, is that it may take me my entire life for things to change entirely. I used to always say that I can't truly care for others until I care for myself, but that is a lie, straight-up, because I care so much - that is a fact for sure. As crazy as it seems, I love everyone that I come into contact with - no matter what may happen, I always will.

One truth, during those times that I don't treat myself as I should, that I must remind myself is this: I am the Lord's temple. I belong to Jesus. I am His and He is mine. I am a child of the most high God. The Holy Spirit dwells within me. He has been stretching me in regards to this ever since I recognized it as a trouble, and I pray that He will continue to bring healing to me.

With that, know that when you tell me to take care of myself, it is not dismissed. I also apologize for seeming to ignore you in those situations. I merely ask for patience and acceptance, forgiveness and a listening ear.

I am not something to be fixed, because I am constantly broken. God just keeps piecing me back together, as He tells me everything will be okay and shows me that He is there. He also reminds me that He wants to take over me. (Also, these verses are good stuff.) When I do this, I also look to Christ's example of how He loved others, yet He still did take care of Himself. He was not selfish in taking care of Himself, not in the least, so I am not selfish to want to care for myself and love myself as Christ does. I long to mirror His humility in a healthy and proper way that brings God all the glory.

I am still learning. A lot. He is still showing me ways that I can help myself.

He is also continually showing me that He is Lord over the lies - that... 
I am important. I am valuable. And I am treasured.
That is the truth that God says about me. Always.
I will always be loved. I will always find grace. And I will always find hope.

God, the faithful.

The Lord is seriously so good.

He has proven this to me, even through all of the turmoil that I have gone through, how magnificently faithful that He truly is.

He has also proven how great His love is for me.

How He has provided for me the last couple of months has been astounding  using His wonderful children to help me.

He has provided me with His strength.

"My God is a God who provides."

["God is our refuge and strength; an ever-present help in trouble." - Psalm 46:1]

Prayer can move mountains.

It can shake the most calloused heart.

It can bring repentance.

Prayer can do the impossible.

So can faith.

And God knows our hearts.

He knows everything about us: All of our hopes, desires, aspirations.

Because He created us.

If we go to God in prayer, He will be faithful.

It might not be in our timing, but it will be in His.

It may not come in the way that we wanted it to, but He also knows what we need.

That's where our part comes in: trusting, believing, and having faith.

Take the plunge.

Jump into the riches of His grace.

God is so worth everything else that comes along, even when the waves come crashing down.

He will be there for you.

"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." - Philippians 1:6

I know that in those verses He is talking specifically to the church of Philippi, but I believe it to be true for those that come to know Him.

He is continually making us more into His image, which is incredible.

No make-up for me.

As I have seen several things, including videos and articles on beauty, it has really been pressed on my heart to talk about why I no longer wear make-up. And haven't. For a very long time.

From the time that I was in seventh and eighth grade until I was a freshman in high school, I put on make-up every single day. Every day foundation, eyeliner, eye shadow, lip gloss - the whole shebang would be caked on my face.

But the reason that I wore it was this: I thought that I was ugly. (If you read this article, you would understand why.) Actually, I thought that I was really ugly. And a lot of other things that I still wrestle with, but partially that. So what else to do but put on that mask?

I call it a mask because that is exactly what it was for me: I wanted to cover up my "ugliness" so that I could feel beautiful for the small amount of time that I wore it.

Thing is (and this has taken years - and I mean years - for me to have realized), it has always been difficult for me to view myself as beautiful, flaws and all. But it wasn't until I came to know Christ (part of that story is also in the linked article above) that I could see my real beauty (which I wrote another article about a few years back).

For me, it became an issue, devaluing who I was created to be. I did not view myself that way and hid who I was with it because I did not see what God saw every time that He looked at me.

But now I do, at least for the most part. So I stopped wearing the make-up every day. I stopped trying to cover up my flaws because I knew that it was okay to be flawed. Obviously, there are times that I don't entirely believe that, but then I look to the truth that God says about me and is clearly seen on my face: I am an image-bearer of Christ. There is Christ in me. He is the One that makes me beautiful.

NOTE: I am not, by any means, saying that I hate make-up, or that I think it's bad. I just don't and haven't liked it for myself for the reasons noted above.

The last time that I wore it was for my sister's wedding... two years ago. And by the time that the wedding was over, I wiped it all off because my face was bothered by it. Ha. I've worn a little lipstick every now and then, plus cake make-up for plays (to which I, and every single person that's ever been in a play, say "YUCK" to), but other than that zero, zip, nada make-up for this gal!

And it's been really, really freeing. And it feels good to see myself the way that I should.

What faith can do.

Usually I am really bad at trusting God completely. A lot of the time, I am terrible at having faith that He knows what He is doing, as well as being faithful to Him. As proven by my posts throughout this year, it's been excrutiatingly difficult for me to let go of control and give it all to Him.

Over this past year, though, I have decided to trust Him, through that difficulty. He has given me the strength that I need to no longer clench these hands of mine, attempting to grasp at whatever it is that He decides to take away. He has been stretching me immensely; it's been a long and hard process that has taken me months to learn, and I am still learning. During that time He has taken and given, then taken and given some more.

You see, despite the way that I treat Him, God is really good at being trustworthy. He is extremely faithful, because He knows what He is doing - and it ends up being for my good (Romans 8:28). God is in control, and He is good all the time. All the time, He is good. Truly, truly. And He has proven all of these things to me time and time again.

So I will serve Him and remain in His love, with His Holy Spirit within me, because how can I settle for anything less? I have seen and tasted what is good - the Lord - and so I will indulge in the love and grace that He has lavished upon me, and that He continues to daily.

Now I will delve into the story that I was meaning to tell:

These last few months, I have owed a little over $5,000 to Iowa State. My parents tried to take out a Parent PLUS loan for me, but somehow it would not go through. This has been an issue ever since I moved here, even after having gone to their office several time to straighten everything out. They couldn't figure out what was wrong until a few days ago, and no dice: they were rejected and did not qualify; therefore, with this, I then owed about $5,000. They said that, if I was unable to find someone else to take out the loan for me or take out a private loan myself (which I don't think I would qualify for, and by then it would be too late), they would be able to give me $2,000. But... I still would have to come up with the $3,000.

I do not have $3,000 - not even close. Neither do my parents. And, the thing is, that was their payment on my house back home, but they were willing to give that up to me. YEAH. You see, my family is incredibly generous. And they would be willing to give me anything. But I would never want to ask for that kind of money from them, and God was telling me otherwise. And, by faith, I knew that there was another way. I just didn't know what yet.

This entire week, as well as the last, I had to borrow a lot of money. My money from last semester was draining quickly, then it drip-dried. I still needed money for a down-payment on my apartment, as well as groceries and things to get over being sick. (Which my family provided for me because they are really wonderful.) A huge blessing, too, was the fact that I did get a job here in Ames that is absolutely and positively perfect for me. Such an answer to prayer.

The stress of this much money not being on plate, however, caused me to be distraught and entirely overwhelmed; the tears took over, as well as disparity in my heart. During this time, like I have had to several times, I recited Psalm 61:2 to myself. I pleaded with God to show me how I could pay off this debt, thus being able to sign up for classes and keep going. After this, I sent several messages to close friends asking for prayer. As I did this, I remembered God's faithfulness throughout the Bible to those that chose to seek after Him, and today I reflected on the unfaithfulness of Israel to God, like me, yet He was still faithful.

Within the hour, as this was all happening, I recieved a private message from someone. I clicked on it to see what it said, then read this: "Hey, Amanda, I saw your message and I would like to give you the $3,000..."

Okay, let me say that again: "...I would like to give you the $3,000."

...WHAT. YEAH. All I could think to myself was, "There is no way that this could be real!" But, lo and behold, it definitely was. They had sent me that message and were willing to give me the $3,000 that I needed.

Did I have faith that God would provide for me in the moments before I got that message? A little, but that was all that was needed. I somehow knew that if I had that small amount of faith, He would do the rest, which He most certainly did.

If you have had doubts that God is faithful, it is my hope and prayer that you can read my story and be encouraged. Why? Because He is so faithful.

Another thing that I want to encourage you with is this: Dive into the Scriptures. Look through the Bible, in the New Testament (the gospels especially) and the Old Testament, to see how faithful the God of the universe has been, is, and always will be. Analyze the stories of those that chose to have faith in Christ and God, then how He healed and blessed them. Have faith in Him and He will bless you, whether it be here on earth or when you see Him face-to-face to praise Him for all of eternity. Either way, have faith.

And this, too: PRAY PRAY PRAY. "Pray. There is immeasurable power in it." I am proof of this. And pray to God in all things, as we are called to do in Philippians 4:6.

No matter what happens in our lives, whatever is given to us or taken away, it is all for the glorification and goodness of Christ. And no matter what, He is worthy of all praise and gratification.

To the person that gave me the money: THANK YOU. I honestly could never say it enough, and you are just such a huge blessing. My heart is so full or gratitude. You are a gift.

All glory, honor, adoration, praise, and thanksgiving goes the Lord of everything today, yesterday, and forevermore.

Rest.

"Just take things easy and don't stress." That's what I have to tell myself all of the time. You see, I have a big problem with over-exhorting myself to the point of utter exhaustion and sometimes even getting sick. There are times that I just get so overwhelmed that I do not want to do a single thing. I may not be physically doing a lot all of the time, but sometimes just thinking of the list of things for me to do makes me want to curl into a ball and sleep, or just lay there and make them all go away. Like now. I have two tests to take today and I'm actually sick and extremely exhausted because sometimes I'm really stupid to my body. I am what you would call a Martha. (Read Luke 10:38-42 and you'll understand what I mean.) I also am still learning how to say no.

Why is it so hard to just sit still sometimes? Why is rest so difficult for?

Well, one thing is this: College students love to stay up late. The night life is strongly encouraged. Don't get me wrong, I love to stay up and hang out or have late-night conversations, but not every night. It weighs on my body in ways that aren't so great. Also, there's a verse from Psalm 127: 2 that was shown to me last year, and it was very convicting: "It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for He gives to His beloved sleep." There's something to chew on.

Rest within my Savior has also been difficult to find; by that I mean time spent in prayer and in His Word. Something changes drastically in my life if I find myself not spending much, if not any, time with God. If we look at Jesus' example, He would go to be alone just to talk with His Father. We can, and should, do the same. Jesus wants us to come to Him, finding rest in Him. (Read Matthew 11:25-29.)

Another reason has been all of the things being thrown at me over the last few months. Actually, this whole year. Sometimes I just find myself paralyzed, not knowing what to do with myself because so much has come my way. But those times I just need to take a step back, figure out what to do, act upon it, then move on, putting it to rest. Matthew 11:25-29 fits perfectly here as well.

This week, I want to take a week of rest. By rest I mean not doing as much with other people (at least not super late), spending time by myself and with the One that created me, and going to bed at a decent time. Afterall, rest, both physically and mentally, is extremely important. If you're in the same situation as me, or similar to me, I suggest you do the same this week. It'll be so worth it!

Shout Unto God

This is unbelievably beautiful. And heart-wrenching.
It is also exactly why I long to be a missionary in India.

These people need to see that they are valued.
They need to see that they are treasured.
They need to be told that they are wanted.
They need to be told that they are not only worth something to the Creator of the universe, but that they were worth dying for on the cross.

There is hope for them, and His name is Jesus.

Hallelujah.

The salt of the earth.

Yesterday, after a spontaneous lunch with a good friend of mine, I had an even more spontaneous theological discussion with three men sitting next to me. These three men were people that I had never met nor seen before in my life, but I jumped right in anyways. One was a freshman, Jonathan, also a Christian; and the two other men were professors at Iowa State. The man sitting next to me believed himself to be an atheist, talking about why he had been driven away from the church but wanted so badly to believe in Christ. The other man sitting across from me was, I believe to be, a Christian; perhaps he was a believer, perhaps he wasn't. He spoke as a believer, so I assumed him to be one.

They were talking about the hypocracy of the church, as well as why they both had left it: people would go with smiles and laughs on Sunday morning, talking about God, and live the rest of the week acting as if He did not exist. These men were craving kindness, they were craving grace, and they were craving genuinity; above all else, they were craving to see Jesus through believers. As we spoke, I wanted these men to see the grace of God. There was this strong desire within me to tell them how much He loved them and wanted them, which I did. And I just wanted to keep talking about grace, which I also did. The Holy Spirit totally took over. We continued discussing what the church was to look like, as well as how we have the opportunity to become like Christ and that the law was abolished after Christ came until the two men had to leave to teach class.

The young man stayed behind to pray with me, and he talked to me more about God and life in general. Then, once he was gone, it hit me: How come it was so easy for me to talk about Jesus with these complete strangers, and yet I sometimes do not talk about Him with those that I am close to? Ouch. Conviction. It happened. The fact is this: I should always be talking about Jesus. After all, He is my entire purpose. So why not? Fear is no good reason, because it no longer has a hold over my life. I should always take advantage of spreading the gospel.

And yet, at the same time, how beautiful is it that God did use me to plant a seed in the hearts of these men? Not only that, but to show them His scandalous and ravishing grace. It's also a comfort to know that Jonathan, who is filled with so much knowledge of the Bible and is so grounded, is a brother in Christ. I can only pray now that the words that I said would help them to see Jesus; I pray that I can show the face of the Savior not just through my speech, but through everything that I do.

Sometimes it astounds me to know that God can use someone like me. It's crazy to me how He can give me the words to say to spread His love at the most random times. Well, random to me. He can put me in situations to show His grace and mercy, letting His light shine through the darkness in me - letting me be the salt of the earth.

The purpose of me writing this is to show you that God can always, always use you, even when you may feel useless. He can shine through you, even when you are facing a mountain of discouragement in your heart. Whenever you feel alone? There are brothers and sisters all around you, and He gives you Himself. He will use these opportunities to bring everyone to Himself. Let your life be used to be kind-hearted, humble, and give glory to the One who made it - to become more like Christ, who gave His own for you, for we are children of the light. Let Him lead you.

Homeward bound.

Death can be very difficult and painful. It can do something in your heart that may feel uncomfortable; it can bring plenty of sorrow, or it can bring joy and relief.

In any situation, it stirs up a lot of emotions in our hearts. Throughout my life, from the time that I was four years old when my father's father passed away, I have known that it is just a part of life. It always hits home, though, especially when that person was very close to you. Recently it did, when my grandmother passed away very unexpectedly this weekend. Earlier this semester someone that I had taken care of passed away; before then, one of my grandfathers; there were suicides in towns close to mine, along with deaths of classmates because of car accidents.

With all of this, it has helped me to realized more and more how fleeting this life is. It can be gone in the blink of an eye; just before we know it, someone else is taken from this world. There have been shootings, bombings, murders. Every day. In Isaiah 40:6-8, it says this: "A voice says, 'Cry!' And I said, 'What shall I cry?' All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades when the breath of the Lord blows on it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever."

So what of it? What do we do then?

For me, it has opened my eyes to the need for each person that I come in contact to know that they are loved by the Savior of the world. Not only that, but that He died on the cross so that they may live eternally. The only reason why I am alive today is to proclaim the gospel to others- to give God all of the glory, in word, in deed, and in truth. I live to show that there is a hope after we leave this world. In God's Word, He reassures me of this fact time and time again.

Yes, I do believe that there can be joy in death. How? For those that believe in Jesus, they go to heaven. And praise Jesus. Forever and ever. If there isn't joy in that, I don't know what could be more joyous. F'real.

What comes to mind for me when I think of joy in death are these verses:

"When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

'Death is swallowed up in victory.'

'O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?'"

- 1 Corinthians 15:54-55

During this time, I am reassured that my grandmother is praising Jesus in heaven right now. And you know what? Her heart isn't hurting anymore; her lungs are entirely healed and she can breath like never before. She is completely restored with an entirely new body that I'm pretty certain is much better than my own.

Also, this:

"But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like His glorious body, by the power that enables Him even to subject all things to Himself."

- Philippians 3:20-21

This, too:

"For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.
So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil."
-2 Corinthians 5:1-10

I am filled with this peace that only Christ can give me. My heart is so full. Tears of both joy and sorrow will fill my eyes. And these eyes are fixed on Christ Jesus, for I am homeward bound. Even so, it is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul.

Wonderfully mind-boggled.

You know those times where something hits you like a bus, and you may be doing something seemingly trivial, but all of a sudden you are floored because it is just that extraordinary?

Well, that just happened. Whilst pondering on what I learned at connection group, over-thinking on my German homework, social media-ing, reading articles, and sitting on my couch. It's getting real late, but I am kind of awake. And it all hit me. Again.

God is incredible and beyond me.
He gives me gifts that I do not deserve.
He surrounds me with those that love me.
Most of all, He chooses to love me.
And He continually showers me with His grace.

Jesus extends to me kindness through strangers.
He blows my mind with the stars that are in the night sky.
Because of Him, the sun rises in its glory each day.
I am found in He who created me; my identity rests in Him.
And He surrounds me with Himself, giving me peace.

No matter what, the Lord is there for me always.
When I run away from Him, He waits.
He is patient with me in my ignorance.
He gives me joy in His presence.
And one day I will see His marvelous face.

Now I see small glimpses of Himself, but one day I will see Him, in all of His splendor and might. And on that day I will be filled with the greatest joy that I have experienced since the day that He first called me His child. For I am forever His and He is forever mine.

Blessed beyond measure.

I love this apartment. I love the ladies that I live with and the community that I've already been molded into. I love the Salt Company and my Connection Group even after meeting there only once, and I love all of the women that are in my group. I love Iowa State and Ames, Iowa. I love whatever it is that God may be doing. And I am stoked to continually give up control.

I hope and pray that being here will bring me closer and closer to my Creator. In the trials and situations gone awry, I hope and pray that I will find joy. This joy does not mean that I shouldn't feel pain or that I can't cry over being hurt. No, this joy means that I can look up to the sky and declare the goodness of the Lord for His eternal hope that He so graciously gave me. I hope and pray that I look to Him in all circumstances, with thanksgiving in all things. I hope and pray that He will continue to humble me, assuring me that I am being shaped into His image.

Day by day I am becoming more like His Son. He is the Potter and I am the clay; He is molding me. Each morning, His mercy is made new. I am covered by His grace every single time that I wake up. I am made new; He is making me new. Whatever has happened is gone when the sun sets, and a new day is coming - the sun is rising. I am restored and redeemed.

I am growing.

I am learning.

I am being renewed.

Above all...

I am blessed.

Lead me.

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I." - Psalm 61:2

I can't tell you how many times that I have recited this to myself over the last couple of weeks, but I have over and over and over again.

Well, my heart is overwhelmed. My entire self is overwhelmed.

My heart, my mind, my body - everything.

There are several reasons for this, and I won't go into details here, but I am very overwhelmed indeed more than I thought to recognize.

But the Psalmist, after telling of his own heart's condition, says this: "...lead me to the Rock that is higher than I."

Let's analyze this for a second:

He is asking for God to lead him. He is recognizing the power of God here and knows full well that God is so absolutely higher than he is.

So, during this time of being overwhelmed with a completely new atmosphere, homework that I don't really understand, and an entirely different lifestyle than I've ever had before, I like the Psalmist want to be led by the Rock that is higher than I. Because then and only then can I have the peace that I so desire to have. It is then and only then that I can have complete rest and sleep at night.

I may be very overwhelmed, but I am in His hands. I know that He is using all of this to stretch me. I am being led by the Rock that is higher than I.

A fresh start.

Starting over is one of my favorite things to do, whether it be in friendships or leaving a certain place. I like going to different places, especially those already familiar to me, with a renewed perspective and beginning again as if I hadn't been there before - fresh, a clean slate. That's how I feel about having moved here to Ames. It's bittersweet to think of the things that happened here in the past, especially how seemingly recent those things are (due to the fact that not much went on in my life in Watertown for the past three months).

Thinking of a couple of those situations I sometimes stop and think to myself "Oh, that happened, didn't it?" Then I go on with life, and it's as if it never happened. I used to resent that because I wanted it all back, chasing after answers and hating the thought of things being gone. Now I'm not quite sure how I feel about it all; I think I just miss things and people sometimes. Yes, I still have frustrations, and I am still struggling with questions. Yes, some things are painful to recall.

But these are situations that I find myself in and answers that I remind myself of...
In the confusion? Trust God and know that He is good. When the questions seem to overtake you? Keep trusting and remind yourself that He is good. When your heart aches? Continue to trust God, knowing that He is good. When you're still not okay and feel like giving in? Cling to the Rock that is higher than you, trusting in Him, and declaring that He is good.

Letting go and forgiveness are wonderful things in allowing yourself to start over. That's one thing that I've come to realize the last few months, and even the last couple of days. It's so freeing; it's also reassuring to know that God has a purpose, though I still may not entirely see what that it is yet. God is still at work and He is healing. The thing is, it's a process, and that is entirely okay.

For the last few months, I had struggled daily with finding forgiveness for others and moving past the hurt within me during my times in isolation. Ever since I wrote about fellowship, I craved it so much, but I just couldn't get the kind that I thought I needed. Looking back on it all, I see now that was God nudging me towards spending more time with Him, and I wish that I would have pushed myself to do so more when I was at home. The things that my heart couldn't seem to let go of were keeping me from seeking after Christ with everything. Daily I must forgive so that I may be forgiven, and daily I must give it up to Christ and He will pour into me His grace and mercy. Afterall, I get a new day every day - a chance to begin again.

Even within the last couple of days, my heart has been changing and I have learned that all of those things were smaller than I thought they were. I can move past it all - I can choose to move on now, every single day; and I am no longer stuck with those things that had been holding me back, keeping me from the very God that wanted to take it all from me. See, when I chose to follow after Christ, He didn't merely want small portions of my time - no, that wasn't it at all. What was it that Christ had wanted of me? He didn't want just my time or baggage or stuff: He wanted me, and He has crowned me as His daughter so that one day I can praise Him on His heavenly throne for all of eternity. Because all that matters is that He is glorified, not I. He is the one that should recieve all praise and adoration, not me, for all of the things that He does through me. I blame the Holy Spirit for any good that comes from me, because it's only by Him.

Praise God that I've been reminded of how precious that He is and that my time with Him is as well. Becoming so enthralled with Jesus again and again will help me to become more like Him; it's my goal to fall in love with Jesus more and more this semester, chasing after Him and letting Him chase after me. Now I have four gorgeous, God-fearing women to help me with that! They are all seriously so ravishing through and through, and I cannot wait to spend time with them. I am blessed beyond measure for God to have placed me in this apartment.

I am just real excited to see what God does while I am here at Iowa State this semester, especially with the people that He is surrounding me with! I am so glad to start anew, at a beautiful college (that is also much, much bigger than Northwestern by quite a bit). And I ask for prayer in regards to adjusting, which I feel will go very smoothly for me. I just have a lot to figure out, which is fine by me. I also have a few fears and anxieties about being here, but God has got my back. My biggest praise is that God has gifted me by placing me here, and I pray that He will use me to be His hands and feet in this place. Praise Him from whom all blessings flow.