The Truth.

One of my close friends did a post on all of the things that she has struggled with her entire life a couple of weeks ago, which is interesting to me because God was all like, "Amanda, you should share your story" not long before that. Then, after reading her post, I felt another nudge. So I am going to follow that nudge. It's taken me a while to do this, but I know that I should - I feel as if some of you might need to hear this.

Note: I struggle. A lot. In fact, I struggle every day. I am usually a pretty open person, so if you ask me questions, I will let you know things. Some may say that I trust too easily, but I don't know if I agree with that. Despite that, this seriously terrifies me. But, because I should, I will be vulnerable here. And honest. Because lies are silly. (Lies are a lot of other things as well, but I've been using that word for a lot of things lately, so I'm going to use it here.)

Throughout my life I have struggled with these lies that I have either been told by others, I have told myself, or society has told me.

1) The wrongs in my past that others committed are my fault.
I used to blame myself for my past, all of the things that happened to me from when I was a young'n up until high school. From the time that I was a little girl, I thought that there must have been something that I had done to deserve whatever had been inflicted upon me. I must have been a really bad girl too many times, and maybe hate is all that I should receive. So I punished myself through self-hatred, blaming myself for everything that ever happened to me. It was excruciating.

2) I am ugly and fat.
I couldn't ever see myself as beautiful. I would always look at myself in the mirror and be disgusted with everything that I saw, thinking that I was fat and repulsive, mostly fat. People didn't help, either, with the taunting. Some people would say things that stung like alcohol on an open wound, and it cut so deeply into me. I was bigger than most girls then, so people let me know that. Gotta love public middle school, right? With that, I ended up seeing my worth in the external.

3) I am stupid.
Growing up, I had a pretty hard time with school, especially with science and math. They would  continually put me lower and lower in each class, and I would always wonder why I wasn't as smart or talented as other people - why school just wasn't my thing. Because of that, I had begun at a young age to believe that I would not ever make the cut in anything and be a failure who wouldn't get very far at life. And I was in third grade, for goodness sake, already thinking that about myself. Sometimes I would stop trying because of negativity. So all of that was stuck in my brain for years and years, as I held dearly onto the lies.

4) I am a failure.
So many things haven't worked out, and I have failed at a lot of the things that I have tried. I would go onto the next thing - still nothing. Never getting anything that I worked for... All of that effort? Meaningless, because it won't ever happen. That was my mentality. Negativity would become all that I saw in myself as I would lose everything that slipped by, never to come into my grasp. This would range from things that were seemingly small to huge life decisions. Let's just say that everything hits home for me.

5) I don't deserve to be treasured.
In middle school and high school, I accepted the attention that I thought I deserved from guys. They would call me beautiful, if it was even that, sometimes even derogatory things that "flattered" me. Then they would be gone within the next second, after toying with my heart, leaving me there to deal with the pain. I would hold so dearly onto the interest that any boy would give me because I didn't see in myself what they swore that they saw in me. What did they ever see in me but being just another heart to break? Nothing, really. I always figured this out after the fact, though. They would treat me like trash, trying to change me; I let them, all because they were "interested" in me. The pain ensued. The cascade was opened, and I must not have deserved to be treasured by any man. All that I thought I deserved was rejection. I let the lies build up within me even more.

6) People don't care about the things going on in my life.
There would be times when I honestly thought that people could care less about my problems or struggles, so I wouldn't talk about them. Ever. I would bottle them up inside until I would explode, then more problems would be created from that. People would run away and I would be left knowing that they knew so much about me, yet they did not care about me or anything that I was facing anymore. People would treat me poorly, saying hurtful things or ignoring me and... poof! They were all-of-a-sudden out of my life. I would take the hits, letting them hurt me. I deserved it, though, because I held it all in, so that was my punishment. I must have done something to deserve it. I mean, who would want to be friends with me, anyways? Pain upon pain, bruise upon bruise, scar upon scar. I would continue to let people treat me like vermin because of all this. Lies.

7) My past wrongs will never be forgiven.
And all that I had done? Those mistakes, those things that I had done wrong? They couldn't be taken away. They haunted me. My past followed me and I could never escape. There was no such thing as grace. More lies.

You're fat, Amanda. And you have acne. How could you ever think that you were anywhere near beautiful when you look like that? And you failed another test... How stupid are you? And that didn't work out... Again? You are such a failure. No one could ever love you. Nobody will ever accept you. What have you done? You think that you can be forgiven and it can be taken away? Never. Those things will never be taken away. You deserve to be treated like the dirt that you walk on. All that you deserve is pain.

LIES. Every single one of those.

But I believed it all. I accepted the lies. I accepted the abuse. I accepted the pain being dished out to me. I believed that they were true - all of them.

I covered myself up with make-up, because it was my mask, a way to hide my so-called ugliness; I would stop eating and joined sports because I was "disgustingly overweight," even when I wasn't; and I accepted empty promises. I did and tried things that I shouldn't have, I hated myself all because I believed those lies...

...but then a light came into the darkness. A voice began to whisper into my ear as I was on my knees, sobbing...

You are beautiful, Amanda. I don't see any flaws in you. You are precious. You are not a failure, and you are not nothing. Your worth is found in Me alone. You are treasured and loved. I accept you, because you are my child. I will never leave you, nor will I give up on you. You are forgiven. You are a new creation. You are free. I took it all for you on that cross. I, the God of the universe, love you. And I will never hurt you.

STOP RIGHT THERE.
HOLD THE PHONE.

Say what?! So You mean to tell me that everything that I have ever done is erased, as if it was never there? I am beautiful to You? I am not a failure? You won't hurt me like the rest of them? I mean something?

YES YES YES.

Because of Christ's death and resurrection, I am a new creation.

Because Christ says so, I am:

1) not at fault for the things that people have done wrong against me.

2) beautiful because Christ created me, and it's what's on the inside that counts. Proverbs 31:30 and 1 Peter 3:3-4. BOOM.

3) intelligent; perhaps my knowledge in school isn't the same as others, but that doesn't make me stupid.

4) succeeding because of Christ, who was and is my best decision, so what can worldly failures do to me?

5) treasured by the Almighty God of the universe, and He alone gives me worth.

6) cared by others around me, especially Jesus.

7) forgiven, and I am a new creation, washed clean by the blood of Jesus Christ.

And, if I were to lie to you today, I would say that I don't believe the lies at all anymore. Yes, I still struggle with them. I wrestle every single day with understanding that the very God that holds everything together thinks the best of me, even though I may not all of the time. Satan still attacks me spontaneously, not nearly as much as he used to, by trying to get me to believe them.

I used to have to carry around a list of those truths with me daily, along with Bible verses, to prove to myself that all of those things that I thought about myself weren't true. That was until camp rolled around, which God used to break down those walls and gave me the confidence that I had never had my entire life. He gave me strength that came from Him alone, and He continues to give me that strength. The piece of paper was labeled "The Truth" at the very top. How fitting. I don't know where that list is today, but He has used it in my life and the lives of others. I have it practically memorized by now anyways.

My insecurities still exist, some more prominent than others; however, my God always tells me what He whispered into my ear the day that I came to believe in Him. Praise the Lord that I don't have to be perfect and that He is the strength in my weaknesses - that I don't have to have it all together when I go before Him. Praise God for the truth.

The lies that I have believed about myself are exactly why I want to help others going through the same things, letting them know that they, too, are loved by the Creator. I care far too much about others to not do that type of ministry. Like, seriously. Young women going through abuse and neglect, children that have special needs and have no place to call home - those are the people that I long to reach out to and show the love of Jesus Christ. All of what I said about my struggles? That is precisely why helping people is my passion and telling them that they are treasured by Christ, because this world needs to hear the truth.

Grace.

Something that I have been learning a lot about ever since the beginning of camp this last summer is the grace of God, as well as what grace looks like coming from ourselves. I probably will not do it justice here, but I'll try my best to explain what it means to me. Also, this will most likely be all over the place and considerably long. I'm just kind of a scatter-brained person, so please bear with me.

First off, thank the Lord for His grace and mercy, as well as being renewed day by day. I long to extend to others the love, grace, kindness, and mercy that my Savior extended to me when I first chose to believe in Him. I want to forgive and give grace as He has. One thing that I have come to realize more and more lately is the fact that this world needs all of those things, as I hear about the turmoil going on everywhere, and I need to show those attributes to absolutely everyone. My life should be lived to glorify the Creator alone - nothing else - and show others the need for salvation. My entire purpose is to tell the world about Jesus, which is exactly why He has placed a passion within me for the broken-hearted and lost to see His face.

Since my sophomore year of high school, God has shown me His compassion and said that He wants to use me to show that same compassion to others. He has revealed to me what it means to mourn over the sin of the world, and it breaks my heart every single time that I see its ungrace. I do not believe that the way to go is using revenge and having grudges, holding things against others, or placing judgment upon others. I believe in grace, I believe in forgiveness, and I believe in second chances. I believe that this world needs Jesus, who was and is the perfect portrayal of all of these things. This is exactly why I want to do ministry.

Every single day I rely on that grace that I have been shown. I need it immensely, more than anything else, because without it I have nothing - my life has no purpose. If it wasn't for God's grace and love, I would be lost and searching for something to fill the void within my heart and soul, and without it I would still be. But I have found a love that will never leave me, forsake me, nor let go of me because He makes me worth it - He says that I am worth fighting for. Whenever I think of that, I am truly perplexed because I know how much I fail Him and I know of the sin that I commit daily. I have pushed Him away, putting Him on the back-burner several times, but He is still there, waiting for me to be in His presence again. He has given me second, third, fourth, fifth - so many chances that I couldn't even begin to count them. And He has never given up on me. I always get these lyrics stuck in my head whenever I think of that: "I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail, but, my God, You never will." BOOM. Truth. (Also, if you can't tell, I really love quotes and song lyrics and will use them a lot.)

The thing that astounds me the most about grace is the fact that it makes absolutely no sense. There is no justice in it because it pardons and chooses to forget the past wrongs or faults that have been committed rather than seeking to regain anything. In a book that I have been re-reading called "What's So Amazing About Grace?" by Philip Yancey, which I very strongly recommend, it states this: "Forgiveness has its own extraordinary power which reaches beyond law and beyond justice... Justice has a good and righteous kind of power. The power of grace is different: unworldly, transforming, and supernatural." WHOA. How can that not astound me? Grace is so different from anything that this world has to offer and it goes above and beyond righteousness and justice.

Each and every day we experience the ungrace of the world, seeing the pain and destruction that it holds. Revenge is said to be put on people who have committed a wrong to you, to get them back for what they have done. But what if we were to react differently? What if we were to forgive our perpetrators, allowing ourselves to let go and move on? Don't worry, I know that this is easier said than done. Trust me, I know this full well. Our human nature and reflexes choose the exact opposite. But, then again, everything to do with grace is unnatural. And I firmly believe that it can become habit, both grace as well as forgiveness, and we can never stop learning something new about grace as long as we live.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is filled with that grace. I mean, just look at the Scriptures, especially the New Testament and more specifically the gospels. It is so filled with the grace of God that it's overwhelming. In fact, it is excruciatingly overwhelming, but in a glorious way. The story of Jesus' life, death, and Resurrection screams out humility, love, forgiveness, and grace. And He is the perfect example of sacrifice and loving kindness, portraying selflessness at its finest.

Each summer at camp, they have all of the staff memorize a chapter out of a book of the Bible. This year they had us choose one out of Ephesians, which made me extremely nervous, but excited at the same time. I mentioned this a while back, but I suffer greatly with memorization. I am just plain terrible at it, but I memorized the entire chapter and recited it. Say whaaa'? Yeah, I was surprised. But anyways... The chapter that I had chosen was Ephesians 2. This chapter is now one of my favorite chapters of the entire Bible because it lays out grace perfectly. In the first section it says that we were "dead in the trespasses and sins in which [we] once walked," seeking after the things that are only temporary, "carrying out the desires of the body." We "were by nature children of wrath..." So where is there hope? Where can life be found? Well, it does not stop there. It continues on by saying that even though we were spiritually dead, because of God's mercy and great love for us, He gave us life! And there was absolutely nothing that we did to deserve it - nothing at all. It is by His gift of grace alone that we can be saved. And how ravishing, how amazing is that grace that He has lavished on each of us. What an incredible gift that we have been given.

Before I came to know Christ about four and a half years ago, I was His enemy. I was so full of sin and wickedness, chasing after the things of this world and extremely materialistic, rejecting goodness, and running in the opposite direction of where He was. I was destined for destruction until He saved me. He showed me what true life was and that one day I could live in complete joy with Him forever. He showed me that He is enough - in fact, He is more than enough. His grace showered over me, He broke the chains, and He set me free from the slavery, entanglement, and bondage of everything in my life. The Lord chose to look past my ugliness and chose to behold beauty. He took my pain away and showed me that there indeed was a better way to live life, and I can say with confidence that I still choose to follow after Him; His Holy Spirit dwells within this heart and soul of mine. I have a hope, a rock that I cling to at all times. Because of the kindness and mercy of Christ, I have been washed clean and can stand before the throne of the Almighty because He sees me as spotless. He loves me despite me.

Now, grace calls upon the injustice that we can overcome within ourselves. But what of the injustice of the things that go wrong all around us and in this world? What comes to mind for me is modern-day slavery, which includes human sex trafficking and debt slavery; abuse - verbal, physical, and sexual; homelessness, hunger, and deprivation of any physical needs; and the list could go on and on of the horrendous things that happen all around us. But really, what of all of those things? How can there be grace in those situations? Well, that is exactly where we as Christians would come in. All of the people that experience those things need someone to help them out of that pain, showing them that there is hope and love for them, and His name is Jesus. It starts with grace and mercy being extended, maybe even physically taking them out of it ourselves (which is what I hope to do one day). The question is taken even further: Can someone's deed and sin be so repulsive that it is beyond the realm of grace? To answer that I must say a big NO. Not one sin is truly worse than another. A repenting man is a man that God wants. I mean, just look at Paul, who called himself "the chief of sinners." He murdered Christians, but then he turned away from that life and believed in Jesus. Not only that, but as you look in the rest of the gospel, God used him more than any other Christian, despite what he had done. Why? Because he was forgiven and he was washed clean. It didn't matter anymore what he used to be! He became a new creation! Hello, 2 Corinthians 5:17-19; you are marvelous. 

A few weeks ago I went to a concert with a friend, and the concert was dedicated to a) sponsoring children in poverty around the globe through an organization called Compassion International, and b) the fight against human sex trafficking, more specifically in India, by the International Justice Mission. (Those things are exactly what I want to help with, so I was reeeaaal excited to hear about people fighting against them!) One of the artists, Bebo Norman, told a story about meeting his sponsor child for the first time, as well as his family. As he spoke to the father, he had asked him if there was anything else that he would want for his family. The man looked around, seeing all that he had: a tree filled with fruit for his family to have food, clean water only a few minutes away, and his shelter - a small hut. He then turned to him, telling Bebo that he now had Jesus, each of his family members also having accepted Christ, "so what else could I need?" And, truly, what else could he need? What else could we need? All that we need is Christ. That is why I am whole-heartedly of the opinion that those who are physically poor can understand even more-so than any rich person their true deprivation. Why? Simply because they lack what they have physically, so they can more easily see what they lack spiritually. That also brings to mind the point of materialism, at least to me, which I will talk about at a later time.

We all lack something... until Christ comes into our lives. The void in our hearts is a black hole until Jesus saves us. And, like I said before, nothing other than the Lord can fill the spiritual poverty within ourselves. How many different ways can I re-phrase that... But it is just so important and true to get that! And I cannot stress that enough, especially to our society today. We all crave the love and grace that God alone can provide, no matter who we are or where we may have come from. And His grace is just what we need.

I could continue to go on about grace, and I definitely would love to. But f'real, just go and crack open the Bible to the gospels to look at Jesus' life. That is where you will find the spitting image of a man that portrayed grace in everything that He did. He dined with tax-collectors, He let an adulterous woman go free and said that her sins were forgiven (also embarrassing a whole bunch of pharisees), He caused the lame to walk, He raised the dead to life, He let a woman shunned by all of society touch His robes and proceeded to heal her, He turned ordinary fishermen into His disciples, He pardoned the sin of many men while He was alive, and in the end He died and rose again for the sake of many so that we may have eternal salvation. If you don't see grace there, I don't know where else a perfect example could be found. Read through the first section of Ephesians 2, including the second just 'cause it's really great as well (I actually put it on the end of this). Check out Romans, more specifically Romans 8, while you're at it! Look deeply into the letters that Paul sent to the churches. Grace is sprinkled all over the New Testament! And God wants it for you, too. It is tangible for us here and now. If you are craving grace, go to the cross of Jesus Christ and you will find it there.

I like Iowa.

Life is so weird. And a little insane. Especially mine, 'cause I pretty much never know what is going to come up next. I do things, they don't work out, then God is all like, "Well... there's this! There you go!" And I'm like "What? I mean, that's cool!" Then I go for it, and it somehow works out! Which is awesome. His plans are so much better than my own.

Speaking of which... It looks as if YWAM is a no-go for sure. I talked to the people that I needed to about my loans, and there is really no way that my loans can be deferred during that time. This news was pretty disappointing to me, but I feel more at peace about it now than the first time. I definitely would have loved to go and have three months of straight-up Jesus time, fellowship, and then two months of spreading the gospel and seeing God work in a country unknown to me, but I suppose God will be doing something else with me! No matter what, He has been extremely faithful to me and proven to me time and time again that I need to trust Him with all of my being; He wants me to surrender absolutely everything to Him at all times. Doing so has proven itself to be harder than I would have thought, which is surprising to me; however, I know that His love makes it worth it all.

Recently an opportunity came up for me that came out of nowhere, and I was honestly a bit too stubborn and weary to think of it as realistic. A few of my friends that go to Iowa State had been talking to me about an empty room in their apartment as of the end of this year, and they invited me to live there this coming semester. At first I thought that they had been joking, but, low and behold, they were not! Sooo... I am planning on moving there this coming January and going back to school, at Iowa State University in Ames, Iowa majoring in Sociology. Wait, whaaat? Uh, yeah, I really don't know how that all happened. It just kind of did. Seriously, God never ceases to astound me with things that seem so random to me. He also pitches a really good curve-ball.

Perhaps I'll go to YWAM Denver once I'm done with school, going into other schools there, too, but we'll just have to see about that! If it would work out then, nifty! If not, there will be other ministry opportunities for me. I know that God would not have presented the opportunity to me if it would never happen; the door is still open for another time, kinda like China from a while back. One of my friends from back home is actually going to the base in Denver for the School of Communications and Graphic Design, so I'm suuuper stoked for her to go! I wish I could join her, but... well, ya know. In time. I'm just learning to take everything step by step.

At the end of this summer, I was told a piece of wisdom that I have held onto dearly ever since: Sometimes God only allows us to see what is right in front of us. Everywhere around us may be dark, but He lights the path just before us, and that is all that we really need to keep going. That is exactly how my life has been ever since this summer, where God has continued to tell me that He is worth seeking, even though I may not know where I am going and be blinded enough that I won't see the big picture. I haven't allowed myself to just sit here and let things that haven't worked out knock me down; instead, God has given me more strength to push past the obstacles to get where I need to be. He has given me the heart to keep going, even when I didn't want to anymore out of uncertainty. Fear won't take hold of me any longer, because I have a God that goes beyond my circumstances.

A passage that I have stuck by ever since last year is Proverbs 16:1-9, and it starts out by saying this: "The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the Lord." This verse is later reworded in verse 9, but the message remains the same: "The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Another one is this, verse 3: "Commit your work to the LORD, and your plans will be established." These verses are my life.

All-in-all, I am an inconsistent being following a consistent and gracious God whose plans for me are greater than I could ever imagine. How crazy is it to think that a God, so holy and worthy of all praise, chooses to love an unworthy creature such as I? And, not only that, but He chose to forgive me and have mercy on me, then wants to use me to share His love to the nations, and He has placed within me His Holy Spirit. WHOA. That is the big picture that I had forgotten about.

My request from you is prayer, and lots of it. Specifically for me to grow closer to God, trusting in His sufficiency and provision, and figuring life out one step at a time. I also ask for prayer that I will be able to have complete faith and trust in Him, because He knows what He's doing.

Also, thank you to everyone that has been following this journey with me! I suppose a new one awaits me in the state with "Fields of Opportunities."

Back to square one.

It is now November. Actually, it has been November for eleven days now, but yes, it is now the eleventh month of the year. And, to be honest, last month was one of the most trying months of my entire life. As I would say in regards to whenever things go wrong, life kind of threw up on me. More than once. My entire family, not just me, has gone through so much that I would have never imagined until it happened. From the end of September until now, my life looks entirely different - not even close to the same that it was then. But, despite the difficulties and more bumps in the road, God is still faithful and His love is unconditional.

Throughout this last month and the last couple of weeks, I have been trying to figure out what it is that I will do this coming spring. It seems as if YWAM is, surprisingly, being chucked out the window. The reasons? Finances. Again. But just in a different way this time around. Because I stopped going to school at Northwestern and I had loans there, they are now haunting me and I technically have to go back to school by the end of January or I will have to start paying them off. I am going to try to see if they can even be deferred during the time that I would be at YWAM because, honestly, I cannot afford to pay them off while I'm there. I literally do not have the money, which really sucks. Because I knew that this would be a possibility a couple of weeks after I found out that I couldn't go to YWAM in October, I have tried contacting both YWAM and the loan folks. YWAM took a little bit to get back to me (three weeks, actually), saying that I needed to talk to the loan people. Then I e-mailed them, coming back with a reply saying that the school would have to be Office of Education approved. So, with this, I will check with YWAM to see if they are OE approved (which I don't think that they are, but it's worth a try). If they are not, then I would have to take a survey thingamajig to see if it's even a possibility for the loans to be deferred. All-in-all, from what I see right now, YWAM just might not work out this January.

Due to this being a factor, I will be applying for a few different colleges. Some schools in Minnesota or any other state with reciprocity would probably be my way to go, since they all would be in-state, and Iowa State is still on my radar. No matter what, if I am supposed to be there, I will get there somehow. All that needs to happen is my effort. If I really want something, I need to try, even if that means failing again. Even though some things may have fallen apart or not worked out, I am still blessed beyond measure.

My faith and trust in God has been tested beyond the limits that I thought I had, but I know that He does not give us more than we can handle. He has given me so much more strength than I knew existed. I have recited Romans 8:28 to myself whenever anything is thrown my way, clinging to the truth that God has promised me. With everything, I must pray without ceasing; I must rely on God and His direction, realizing for myself the ultimate goal. Ever since YWAM did not work out in round one, I struggled with remembering my purpose. Why did I even want to do YWAM, exactly? Why do I want to do ministry and become a missionary? Why do I want to help people? Why does the pain and injustice of this world hurt me so badly? Why do I mourn over sin? What does compassion even mean? What does it look like? Why do I care so much? These are all questions that I have had to ask myself time and time again, along with many more, and it lifts me up a little bit every time that I am reminded. No matter what, I cannot give up on what I know God has called me towards, even though I don't know where to go just yet. He has called me towards a life of ministry and serving Him as well as others, so that is what I will do wherever He places me. And that may mean that I am dirt poor for the rest of my life, but I honestly could care less. I must continue fighting and keep my chin up, relying on the Lord for everything that I have. In these hours of doubts, I still see Him. And He is beautiful. And He is everything.

As I decide what to do, I ask for prayer for myself, as well as my family. There is much healing to be done in the brokenness, restoration to occur. I ask for prayer that I grow in Him, my faith becoming even stronger and for His strength to reign over my weaknesses. I long to become like the One that created me, in kindness, goodness, selflessness - to be sanctified day by day, my heart breaking for what breaks my Savior's. He is more than enough for me, and I need Him more every day.

"This is my prayer in the desert,
when all that's within me feels dry.
This is my prayer in the hunger and need:
My God is the God who provides."

Carry Me by Jenny & Tyler

Broken-hearted I come;

My cup is empty, my mouth is dry.
See how quickly I fall,
Burdened with darkness,
Heavy in lies.

I want to cry, but I can't;

I try to stand, but I fall down again.

I need You to carry me;
I need You to carry me;
I need You to carry me
When I am weak.

O this can't be enough
To just say I'm sorry, to confess my fault
When I've hurt You so much.
And now I am asking for You to do more.

I want to cry, but I can't;
I try to stand, but I fall down again.

I need You to carry me;
I need You to carry me;
I need You to carry me
When I am weak.

I'm always weak...
When I first met you, I drew you in close to me,
Your weaknesses covered with strength and security.
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave.
Child, believe; child, believe.

...but You are strong.
When I first met you, I drew you in close to me,
Your weaknesses covered with strength and security.
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave.
Child, believe; child, believe.

I need You to carry me;
I need You to carry me;
I need You to carry me
When I am weak.

{A message from God to humanity.}

I have this problem called sin.

I just want to talk about how good Jesus is
And how much I am not, because I keep hiding
The shame that I hate so dearly within this
Heart shaped like a flower, ready to bloom,
But I won't let it because of this paralyzing fear
That you'll judge me. And you are judging me
With pursed lips and snide eyes gazing
At this circus act that I call my life.

But I am judging you, too, because for some reason

This brain is fixated on the fact that your sin

Must be so much worse than my own, when

In reality, that is a lie straight from the pits

Of flames blazing, created by the father of lies.

Lies! I keep doing it, and I pray that God

Saves me from my deceptive tongue and

Rotting flesh, joining in His glory up above.

I just want to talk about how deserving He is
And how much I am not, because I keep falling
Away from Him, down a colliding waterfall
That somehow keeps going backwards -
Back to where the river is calm and I try
To tread above the rocky depths, gasping
For air as I slip again. But I am saved by
Someone calling my name and taking my hand.

I have this problem called sin that I hide

Because I am scared of what you would say

If you found out that I am struggling with

Something seemingly small. Well, I struggle

To find a way to tell you what is going on

Inside of this heavy heart and head that feel

As heavy as lead and a pile of fresh-cut bricks.

And it aches and wrenches at me daily.

I just want to talk about how merciful God is,
And how much I need Him, because I keep failing.
I am as broken as a mangled body that fell from
A skyscraper, and I scrape on by, as He picks up
The falling pieces of me, to place it all back to
Make me whole again. I am renewed again.
He puts me together again, even though I keep
Being broken up again and again and again.

Tick-tock, tick-tock. I don't have much time

To give this up, to fight the urge to hold in -

Hold everything back that I need to scream.

I need to get it out to you, because it haunts me,

Like some ghost in a vacated building waiting.

But I just need to say it, and will you listen?

Listen! I am trusting you to hear me out,

Somehow helping me to come to terms with it.

I just want to talk about how forgiving God is,
And how I am nothing, because I keep grazing
Grace, passing on by, realizing that He is enough
For me and for you and for the entire population
Of man, who too scrapes on by, running away
From the arms of the Savior and into the depths
Of the rest of our deprived generation that has
Yet to see the eyes of loving kindness here.

Be here now.

I'm just going to be brutally honest with you, as well as myself: I have been terribly impatient. I have been trying to make what is not yet to be to happen now. I want to be at YWAM right now, to go to school right now; I want the healing process to end and the pain to end right now, broken relationships to be mended right now; I want to be with Jesus right now; I want [insert something here]... right now. I keep wanting to speed up what has not yet come because I want to know where I'm going and what God is doing in my life. Is that wrong? Yes. Is that natural for me to feel at the moment? Yes, but it's still wrong. I must surrender that to the very God that created me. I feel as if everything that I have talked about goes back to surrender, but all things involving faith and trust usually do - heck, anything involving being a follower of Jesus Christ has everything to do with surrender.

The want to know (not need to know, because we don't need to know) what is yet to come is wired within us. I was given a book to read that I finished not too long ago, concerning God's ultimate will for our lives. What it said stuck out to me like a sore thumb: "Live for God. Obey the Scriptures. Think of others before yourself. Be holy. Love Jesus. And as you do these things, do whatever else you like, with whomever you like, wherever you like, and you'll be walking in the will of God." The author had also given evidence from Scripture time and time again, pointing to the fact that God really gives us a lot of free reign, more than we would think. As long as we are loving the Lord with all of our heart, soul, and mind, as well as our neighbor as ourselves (Luke 10:27), keeping with His commandments, we are walking in His will. There is so much more that I learned from that book, but I won't go into that here.

I will be working full-time for the next few months in order to get to YWAM, and in the meantime I will be applying to colleges for next fall. I will be going to the Compassion DTS in YWAM Denver this coming January. If it doesn't work out for some reason or another, I will figure something else out. But all of that will come in time. While I am here, I refuse to just sit and not do anything because I'm not meant to live life that way, waiting for God to "show me the way" and speed up the process. After all, I am here, not anywhere else, and I am going to be here for the next three months. I strive to be content with where I am at, as well as patient. It is my prayer that I say this: "If the Lord wills, I will live and do this or that," as it says (slightly tweaked by me) in James 4:15. And as Ray LaMontagne would advise, I will "be here now."

"We all have the trick of saying—If only I were not where I am!—If only I had not got the kind of people I have to live with! If our faith or our religion does not help us in the conditions we are in, we have either a further struggle to go through, or we had better abandon that faith and religion."

Out of the wreck I rise.

I have been praying a lot lately about what has been going on in my life, wondering many things and asking God to lift me up. It has been difficult to feel stable when so many things have been thrown at me the last couple of weeks, attempting to knock me down, which have definitely hit me physically now. But He has promised me that I can handle this - actually, scratch that, that He can handle this.

C.S. Lewis is by far one of my favorite authors and theologians. I could just quote him all day, but he really does say some fantastic stuff! One thing that I read the other day was this: "Faith is the art of holding onto things in spite of your changing moods and circumstances." As I read this, I sat and thought for a while about if I had truly been doing that. Have I been letting my emotions and circumstances get in the way of holding onto my Rock? And when I asked myself that question, I was at fault. I had felt myself slipping quickly from the Cornerstone. I had indeed been letting all of those things get in the way, especially as of late.

Why is surrender so hard? It's hard for everyone because we are stubborn and set on the belief that I had: that we can do it on our own and that we can handle it. But what a silly thing to tell a God that has endured all things, a God that has seen it all and has helped every other person struggling with the same thing. Now, I'm not saying that it's wrong to feel the pain and anger that you may feel. I feel that way, and I'm not going to sugar-coat the fact that I am a complete and total mess, but what are we leaning on? Whose peace are we seeking after? Because He will freely give it to us. Holding onto the Rock and mighty Fortress is always a good life decision.

I have faith in His promises for me and I am still trusting His direction. I am well aware of the fact that the Lord gives and He takes away. He does everything for a reason. I may not see it at the time that it all has been happening, but He does and I must keep trusting - I must keep fighting. His grace covers me, and I do not deserve anything that He has given me in the first place. So if He takes it from my hands, then that's how it is. Everything that I ever thought was mine is truly His, including my very own heart and soul. So even in times of pain and overwhelming circumstances such as now, I am still going to praise Him, for He is always worthy. His love and grace for me will never fail and it will always be more than enough for me. I will try my best to "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer," as I am told to be in Romans 12:12. No matter what, God has a plan and a purpose.

"You are love, Lord, 

perfectly defined.

Through the suffering or joy,

we will confide in Your perfect love.

 A mind full of questions

and a future unclear,

but Your perfect love scatters fear."


"Your plan is perfect.
Bewildering. Puzzling. Troubling.
But perfect."

Come together.

Fellowship. I have come to realize how important that it truly is. There is something so distinct about God's people joining together, so alive and vulnerable, to worship Him as one body. It just draws me in. I miss the fire - I miss that burning flame. As most of you know, I am very much a people person. I love being around people, talking with people, laughing with people... I am definitely an extrovert in the way that I feed off of other's energy and emotions. I fall in love with the passion that they have, even more so when it's the same as mine. As of the time that I got back from my first little excursion to Iowa, whenever I have been at home, I have been cooped up in my house by myself. And let me tell you, it has driven me absolutely insane - straight up the wazoo, especially because everyone is gone and I do not have a car. I don't see how some people do it; I couldn't after these next three months. But the truth is, I am lacking some extremely vital things: accountability, encouragement, and time spent with those that are at the same level as me in life.

I am just saying that we need all need community, no matter who we are. We absolutely must listen to Hebrews 10:24-25. A few months ago, the senior pastor at my home church told a story about a man that had stopped going to his church. His pastor had stopped by his abode to check on him, just to see how he was doing. The man had a fire going just before the pastor came by, because it had been awfully chilly that day. They were talking for quite some time, the pastor asking the man why he hadn't been going to church. All of a sudden he took a pair of tongs and picked out a coal from the fireplace, the man bewildered and perplexed. It took a while, but eventually the coal burnt out because it was left on its own, away from the flame. He then proceeded to tell him that he was that coal, and the rest of the fire needed him and he needed them just the same. How true is that? If we stop talking to, being around, or anything involving lack of interaction with people, our fire for God burns out and the rest of the body can feel it because they just know that something, or someone, is missing. Before you go any further, read 1 Corinthians 12:14-26 and you will see what I mean.

We are meant for community. We are not called to be separated from each other. Time and time again we are told how important the body is, and that we are united as one in Christ Jesus. The Lord wants us to be together, so why would be push ourselves away? We are the church - we are the body of Jesus, meant to come as one and be with God. And together we will worship Him for all of eternity. Just don't give up.

"If one member suffers, all suffer together;

if one member is honored, all rejoice together."

- 1 Corinthians 12:26

Find your kindness now.

Recently I have been thinking about what kindness looks like, which is due to the fact that I have been listening to some Rend Collective Experiment and Jenny & Tyler. The lyrics of a few songs of theirs' speak of our society, ourselves, and people in general, echoing my own thoughts and feelings exactly as of late. It's been bothering me, and I have talked with a friend about it, but not as in-depth as I would have liked. It is most definitely a hard subject to touch on because of all that it entails, and I could go more into it than I am planning on, but I will make it shorter for your sake. With all of this, I have found that kindness is sometimes difficult to stumble upon. There is a quote that often think of because it rings so much truth, and it goes like this: "Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." It's not very often that I see others doing or saying something to help another person in some sort of way. We see more cruelty every day than the love that we long to see and take hold of ourselves. But when I come across at least "the smallest act of caring," I am blown away by how incredible that it truly is and how much power it could have to change a life.

I wonder what our lives would look like if we did more for others rather than limiting ourselves to showing compassion to only certain people. What about the "untouchables" of society? Don't they still need love? What ever happened to sacrificing one's wants and needs for the sake of another? As I have been thinking about all of those things, a poem that I had written a couple of years ago and posted on here seems perfect for this. It's a very angry poem, but it's filled with much accuracy. I titled it "Never for the World" because of this: we are always so set on ourselves and what is best for us, rather than what may be best for the other person. We can see it everywhere, that there is pain and sorrow and bitterness every time that we look into another's eyes. Why can't we just get over ourselves? What if we were to reach out to the man with the awkward social tendencies, or even the man that is sitting on the side of the highway with nothing to eat or drink? We may think that it's best for us to just keep on going as we were before on our own merry way, but do we ever stop to realize that perhaps they have absolutely no one to talk to and everybody avoids them like the plague? And that man or woman on the side of the highway could possibly be a drunkard, but what if we assumed for once that they weren't and took them out to lunch? What if we were not too quick to judge them?

Selfishness and all of that jazz is wired within us, and that selfishness is mirrored throughout all of society, as I am sure that you have noticed like I have. But maybe, just maybe it doesn't have to be that way. Maybe people could do things for others in a genuine manner instead of just brushing them off and looking after themselves. Maybe sacrificial people still exist, with genuinely compassionate hearts. Maybe we need an example. Maybe that example has already been given to us. And maybe without Him we cannot truly do or be anything selfless. This example of Christ and His humility is told so beautifully in Philippians 2, which you should definitely read through. It shows us how we ought to strive to be like the one that wants to give us hearts just like His own.

If only we would lay down our lives for the sake of another, despite what others may think about us, dying daily to ourselves and letting the Spirit of God dwell within our hearts. Then we would truly be able to become more like the man who paid the ultimate price - who portrayed the ultimate sacrifice. He gave Himself to be sin for all of us. All that we must do is surrender to Him and we will be free from the slavery of sin - we will be free. And we must share and show that hope to others, no matter where they may have come from.

Sometimes there is only so much that we can do for others, things that they may be going through being beyond our human help. That is when they need Jesus - the Healer. It also very much depends on the circumstances. I learned a lot about that last year, through much heartbreak and many tears. Everything that I have gone through always has taught me something. That brings to mind a C.S. Lewis quote that goes like this: "Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn." C.S. Lewis was so right. I would often find myself being angry and upset or crying about other people's sorrow and the suffering that they had experienced, wishing that I could just take all of it from them. It was like I would seem to forget that Jesus already did that, and all that I had to do was tell them exactly that (which I realized later). I am not saying that I am the perfect example by any means, because I, too, am at fault, and I am a lot. We all fail and fall short; we are all messes; and we all have our vices. I am human, and God is still working within me to make me more like the Son. My point in that story is this: We can only be so much for others, and we can only take on so much ourselves, but that does not give us an excuse to give up on them. After we tell them to go to Jesus, we must intercede on their behalf through prayer. We can find our kindness. But we must find Jesus before we do so and we must surrender to the Holy Spirit, allowing Him change our lives and transform our hearts.

"Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, let me pardon.
Where there is darkness, let the Light come, come."

"May I incarnate Your kindness, Lord...

Let my delight be living out Your dreams, washing dirty feet, and kissing Yours.

God, let Your dreams come true - dream through us."

An abundance of blessings & a rearranged outlook.

YWAM people are just awesome. Like, seriously. I cannot wait to go there. I called them today to tell them that I really did not have the money to go on Monday, asking a whole bunch of other questions. They ended up praying over me twice and were extremely encouraging. They're pretty neat. I am so stoked to be a part of such a Spirit-led place! BAAAHHH. It makes me really happy. And another awesome thing: It looks like the Lord is already providing a way for me to be able to go to YWAM this coming January! I got a job working at a group home in town until I live in, which is just cool beans. Praise Him!

I must admit that it feels very strange for me to be back at home, even more so now than it would have if I was to be on my way to Colorado this Sunday night. It's especially due to the fact that all of my friends are off at college, or some that are seniors in high school this year. It's odd to not be in classes or have homework to do. Confession: the entire time that I've been home while everyone is gone I have secretly wished that I had homework to do or school to go to. Is that sad? I feel as if it is... I also would not have seen myself being here from the time that I left camp until YWAM stuff got rolling. I suppose it proves my previous point of God's plans being entirely different than I thought they would be. God is just taking me in such different directions than I would have expected! It goes to show how flexible and willing I must be in my walk with Him. My oh my has all of this been stretching. And I still have much left to learn! I'm not even close to being done growing in my faith walk - not in the least. Jesus has been oh-so-faithful to me, and I am so in awe that, despite my daily failings, He still chooses to call me His daughter. It's amazing.

Last night after Nate and I went to The Head and the Heart concert (which was utterly incredible, to put it lightly), we went back to my house and had tea, then chatted for a while. During that time I started looking back on all that I had gone through before I had come to know Christ, realizing once more how much the Lord has blessed me with and healed me from. I saw the grace and mercy that He had revealed to me, how much He has transformed my entire life, turning it upside-down in such a marvelous and beautiful way. Through all of those struggles, that pain and sorrow, that shame - guilt, He has shown me how much better life is if only I seek after Him whole-heartedly, completely and recklessly abandoned to the call that He has placed on my heart, allowing Him to show me the love that He has for me. There is nothing else that He asks of me but to continually drop everything and run to Him, loving Him, others, as well as myself with my heart, my soul, and my mind - all of me. Thinking about all that God has done for me just fills my heart with such joy! I am absolutely unworthy, but I am reminded time and time again that He has given it all to me anyways because of His kindness. He is just so good.

I just really want to let you all know how grateful I am for all of your prayers, encouragement, and any kind of support that you have given me. I appreciate it more than words can express - truly truly.

A bump in the road.

God's plans are different than I think sometimes, and He uses those decisions for a better option. One of my prayer requests was financial support for the Musicians DTS in YWAM Denver this fall. Well, I suppose this wasn't the right DTS for me to go to! And God has other plans that I cannot entirely see. Yesterday I had called a lady named Carmen about my financial situation, as well as a few other things, and it ended up that I needed to go there with my $3,500 in hand when I got there on Monday. I do not have $3,500, and Monday is in five days. I must admit that I am a bit disappointed and shocked, of course, but the reality of it is this: it's hard to come up with $3,500 on just donations, which is exactly what I did. I prayed for a lot of things going into this DTS, and one thing that I remember telling God was this: "Lord, if I am to go to this, provide a way." So I suppose this is God's way of saying, like my ma told me, "Not now, but later." God has given me a peace about it all already, which I am extremely grateful for. Maybe there is more that I have yet to do in my small town of Watertown, maybe later isn't this next January, maybe I will go back to school instead. Until the next DTS (I'm thinking the Compassion DTS at the moment), I will be working and earning money to go, and if God wants me there, He will provide for me and show me. Who knows what is to happen - only God, and I am okay with that right now.

I have been learning a lot of things lately about trusting God with everything, as well as having complete and total faith in Him. I have been brought closer to Him through many recent convictions; I have looked at hopes of heaven and how I long for those around me to join in the jubilation. I have a devotional book that I read every morning (or at least try to), and ever since I started looking at stuff for YWAM He has taught me such incredible things every day, ranging from bitterness still held in my heart to looking more at who He is to me. He is Jehovah-shalom - the Lord is peace, He is Jehovah-raah - my caring shepherd, and He is Jehovah-rophe - the Lord who heals me. I am His child, and no matter what may happen or change, He is still there guiding me, like a shepherd guiding his sheep. As long as I am trusting in Him and walking in sync with the Spirit, He will show me the way in each and every step.

I'm not trying to use this to say, "I trust and have total faith all of the time!" Because, like everyone else, I am human and I do not all of the time. It is extremely difficult to lay down everything and let the Holy Spirit take over my sinful flesh. I make mistakes, I am broken, and I am weak, but God tells me that it's okay, picks up the broken pieces to make me whole again, and helps me in my weakness, giving me more strength to do His will with His Spirit within me. God is still at work.

Despite this bump in the road, I am still trusting Him and His faithfulness, because He is so worth it. I ask for prayer again that I will continue to trust and have faith in God's direction, wherever it is that He is leading me towards.

"Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust in me."

- John 14:1

"You hold my every moment, You calm my raging seas.

You walk with me through fire, You heal all my disease.

I trust in You.

I trust in You."

Yes, I am considered a youth, and I have a mission.

I'd like to tell you what Youth With A Mission (YWAM) is! Some of you might have heard of it before, some of you might not have. Hopefully I don't butcher it for you peeps that don't know.
YWAM is a ministry school that has bases pretty much all over the world. I, personally, will be going to the one in Arvada, Colorado. In every YWAM base they start you off in the DTS, which stands for Discipleship Training School, to learn more about ministry for three months. It is required before any further schooling. They have just the regular DTS, as well as those with a specialty (as I mentioned in my previous post) like Compassion, geared towards those that have a heart for the impoverished and are really seeking to spread the gospel to those affected by it throughout the world; Musicians (what I will be doing), for people that are more music-oriented; Multicultural, aimed towards those that straight up love other cultures; Boarders, for people that are into snowboarding, skateboarding - pretty much boarding of any kind (suuuper sweet); and several more. During that time, they will also have other schools going on (which I will get more into later in this post).
After those three months of training, they then send you out into the world to share the good news of Jesus Christ. Each base has a list of possible countries that you could go to, eventually narrowing it down to a few choices. However, they don't tell you the options until you're more into the school. In other words, right now, I have absolutely no idea where I'll be going for my outreach. There are several places around the world that are options for my base, but I won't know for a while. Trustin' Jesus! Hardcore.
After the outreach there will be a week of debriefing, and then... back to little Watertown, Minnesota I go!
Once you are done with the DTS, you can do a secondary school. There is a variety of options for schools, which are as follows: the School of Social Justice (I really want to do this one eventually), where they talk about the social injustices in the world and how to solve them; Art in Missions (pretty much self-explanatory); the School of Worship, in which each person in the school learns to write songs for worship and at the end performs one that they have written, and that is then recorded/published onto an album; and, of course, a lot of other ones.

I hope that this helps you to have a better understanding of what I'll be doing/what I'm getting myself into! If you'd like to look at the website for YWAM Denver, I attached a link on here for you. And if you have other questions, shoot me a comment or something. I would love to have some feedback from you. :)

YWAM's Motto:

To know God and to make Him known.

Stubbornness turned to surrender.

My oh my has it been a long time since I last posted on here... I kind of wish that I wouldn't have stopped. And excuse me if this runs a bit long... But, alas! here I am again. Except this time I actually have [more of] a purpose in what I want to inform you of! And that would be Youth With A Mission, also shortened to YWAM. As of today I have exactly two weeks until I am in the beloved state of Colorado, more specifically Arvada. What a crazy, yet exciting thought! If you would have asked me a few months ago what YWAM was or where I saw myself this year, I really would not have known and I probably would have said that I would still be at good ol' NWC. However, God has thrown me for a loop ever since then! I feel as if background information is necessary.

Let me tell you how I got to even thinking one bit about YWAM.
(WARNING: This is going to be extremely long. Prepare yourself.):

Last year I was a student at Northwestern College, the acronym being NWC (they have too many of those now-a-days...), majoring in Intercultural Studies with an automatic Bible minor. A lot had happened that led me to leaving Northwestern, mostly the finances (because, honestly, who can really afford a $16,000 loan with a $15,000 loan from the year before?). I figured this out when talking with my parents while we were at a restaurant after my last concert with the Women's Chorale. What I remember so distinctly was my mom saying, "Amanda, I really think that you should look into other colleges. You really can't afford going here anymore." My heart skipped a beat and my mind went blank. But going to China this year already didn't work out, and now this? was all that I could question. I left the restaurant feeling extremely discouraged and I decided to scramble, my thoughts as follows: maybe there's a scholarship that I could get, too bad I wasn't chosen to be an R.A., maybe I could try applying for Student Government... I tried thinking of anything that I could do to stay there, even talking to the financial adviser Bryon on the last day of finals week to see if I could get more aid. Despite any efforts, I could not be helped financially. To say in the least, I was absolutely crushed. After all, I was going to work at Hidden Acres Christian Center as a camp counselor two weeks afterwards, I still had to memorize a chapter out of Ephesians (I am horrible at memorizing anything), figure out all of my devotionals, my mind still stubborn and set on staying at Northwestern, how in the world was I to figure out which colleges I could transfer to? And I over-thought... for the millionth time.

Next thing I knew I was at camp. I went there knowing only a few people out of the hundred-and-something or so on staff, only three of my friends from my one year at college, not really having too much of a clue of what I was doing or going to do. So what did I decide to do? Leave all of my worries at the cross and surrender every single thing to my Savior, trusting in Him and having complete faith that He was holding me in His hands. And that was probably the best decision that I could have made going into my summer there. I can honestly say that it was one of the most rewarding and stretching summers of my entire life, and the one with the most blessings (no, I'm not referring to campers). What I found to be interesting, as well as slightly comical, was the fact that every single week I learned right along with the kids. Each time the gospel of Jesus Christ was laid out I got to see even more the grace and love that God extended to me so undeservedly: a sinner that had nothing good to give Him, but He wanted me - my whole life, and that was all that I could give Him because everything else was already His. It was at camp that I fully came to realize that I indeed do want to do ministry for the rest of my life, especially with young girls that never really saw the truth in that light before. God also revealed to me the importance of my time spent alone with Him, thus becoming a morning person (which, unfortunately, isn't as true anymore). These lyrics always seep into my brain whenever I think of mornings at camp: "I will seek You in the morning, and I will learn to walk in Your ways. And step-by-step You'll lead me, and I will follow You all of my days." All-in-all, a lot of what I had learned about myself and the people that I had met and became close to truly led me to YWAM.

One weekend I met this guy named Nate, who was a hardcore hipster to the max and super out there, which I quite enjoyed in the mixture of mostly non-hipster folk at camp. I hung out with him for a while that evening and he ended up talking about YWAM. He was telling me all of these crazy stories and how I should look into it after I mentioned that I had no idea what I was going to do after the summer was over. I thought to myself something to the effect of, Holy crap, this thing sounds like it's perfect for me! Buuut it's totally unrealistic. I brushed it off, but it was still in the back-burner of my mind until two weekends afterwards. I woke up at around eight o'clock that Saturday morning, unable to fall back asleep. So I had my time with Jesus, then I decided to check my Facebook (my only form of communication with the outside world because Dayton, Iowa hates T-Mobile). Next on the agenda was looking more into colleges and all that business, thinking that I'll maybe go somewhere in Iowa or something. Then God started nudging me: Look into YWAM. Right now. I didn't think much of it, trying to ignore it, being my stubborn self. But still a quiet voice kept saying: Look more into YWAM. So, reluctantly, I looked into it. I discovered so many possible places all over the world and all over the U.S., including different kinds of Discipleship Training Schools like Compassion and the Musician's DTS. I sent several links to my twin, Nicole, so that she could see that I had really wanted to do this now. After that, I packed my stuff, since I was going to be staying at the hipster guy's house for the weekend (yes, I did end up really liking him and yes, he did end up liking me as well). The next weekend was the weekend that camp was coming to a close and I would go back home, with the desire to go to this school burning inside of me and not wanting to leave for a lot of reasons (a little - just slightly - maybe partially because I had just started a relationship with Nate).

Ever since I came back I have had to figure out a lot of things, explain everything to my parents, swing to-and-fro to visit Nate and my sister, spend time ministering to and fellowshipping with others while I am still at home, hanging with the Lord every day, all leading up to me learning so much more about myself and about God. And I still have a lot to do... But in fourteen days I will be taking a train from Iowa to Denver, Colorado and all will become a reality.


Until that time comes, I ask for prayers: that I will continue trusting in Him, for He is ever-faithful and true; that I will continue having faith that God will provide for me to be there, since I don't have much money/financial support at the moment; and that I will seek after Him with all my heart day after day, having a heart to serve as Jesus would, being made to be more like Him. In my next post I will share about what exactly YWAM is and what I will be doing. All that jazz. And I will keep posting until I go there, as well as while I am there. It is my hope and prayer that you see the love and grace that the Lord has for you, and may He continue to bless you.

I will not fight You;

I'm abandoned to Your call.