Note: I struggle. A lot. In fact, I struggle every day. I am usually a pretty open person, so if you ask me questions, I will let you know things. Some may say that I trust too easily, but I don't know if I agree with that. Despite that, this seriously terrifies me. But, because I should, I will be vulnerable here. And honest. Because lies are silly. (Lies are a lot of other things as well, but I've been using that word for a lot of things lately, so I'm going to use it here.)
Throughout my life I have struggled with these lies that I have either been told by others, I have told myself, or society has told me.
1) The wrongs in my past that others committed are my fault.
I used to blame myself for my past, all of the things that happened to me from when I was a young'n up until high school. From the time that I was a little girl, I thought that there must have been something that I had done to deserve whatever had been inflicted upon me. I must have been a really bad girl too many times, and maybe hate is all that I should receive. So I punished myself through self-hatred, blaming myself for everything that ever happened to me. It was excruciating.
2) I am ugly and fat.
I couldn't ever see myself as beautiful. I would always look at myself in the mirror and be disgusted with everything that I saw, thinking that I was fat and repulsive, mostly fat. People didn't help, either, with the taunting. Some people would say things that stung like alcohol on an open wound, and it cut so deeply into me. I was bigger than most girls then, so people let me know that. Gotta love public middle school, right? With that, I ended up seeing my worth in the external.
3) I am stupid.
Growing up, I had a pretty hard time with school, especially with science and math. They would continually put me lower and lower in each class, and I would always wonder why I wasn't as smart or talented as other people - why school just wasn't my thing. Because of that, I had begun at a young age to believe that I would not ever make the cut in anything and be a failure who wouldn't get very far at life. And I was in third grade, for goodness sake, already thinking that about myself. Sometimes I would stop trying because of negativity. So all of that was stuck in my brain for years and years, as I held dearly onto the lies.
4) I am a failure.
So many things haven't worked out, and I have failed at a lot of the things that I have tried. I would go onto the next thing - still nothing. Never getting anything that I worked for... All of that effort? Meaningless, because it won't ever happen. That was my mentality. Negativity would become all that I saw in myself as I would lose everything that slipped by, never to come into my grasp. This would range from things that were seemingly small to huge life decisions. Let's just say that everything hits home for me.
5) I don't deserve to be treasured.
In middle school and high school, I accepted the attention that I thought I deserved from guys. They would call me beautiful, if it was even that, sometimes even derogatory things that "flattered" me. Then they would be gone within the next second, after toying with my heart, leaving me there to deal with the pain. I would hold so dearly onto the interest that any boy would give me because I didn't see in myself what they swore that they saw in me. What did they ever see in me but being just another heart to break? Nothing, really. I always figured this out after the fact, though. They would treat me like trash, trying to change me; I let them, all because they were "interested" in me. The pain ensued. The cascade was opened, and I must not have deserved to be treasured by any man. All that I thought I deserved was rejection. I let the lies build up within me even more.
6) People don't care about the things going on in my life.
There would be times when I honestly thought that people could care less about my problems or struggles, so I wouldn't talk about them. Ever. I would bottle them up inside until I would explode, then more problems would be created from that. People would run away and I would be left knowing that they knew so much about me, yet they did not care about me or anything that I was facing anymore. People would treat me poorly, saying hurtful things or ignoring me and... poof! They were all-of-a-sudden out of my life. I would take the hits, letting them hurt me. I deserved it, though, because I held it all in, so that was my punishment. I must have done something to deserve it. I mean, who would want to be friends with me, anyways? Pain upon pain, bruise upon bruise, scar upon scar. I would continue to let people treat me like vermin because of all this. Lies.
7) My past wrongs will never be forgiven.
And all that I had done? Those mistakes, those things that I had done wrong? They couldn't be taken away. They haunted me. My past followed me and I could never escape. There was no such thing as grace. More lies.
You're fat, Amanda. And you have acne. How could you ever think that you were anywhere near beautiful when you look like that? And you failed another test... How stupid are you? And that didn't work out... Again? You are such a failure. No one could ever love you. Nobody will ever accept you. What have you done? You think that you can be forgiven and it can be taken away? Never. Those things will never be taken away. You deserve to be treated like the dirt that you walk on. All that you deserve is pain.
LIES. Every single one of those.
But I believed it all. I accepted the lies. I accepted the abuse. I accepted the pain being dished out to me. I believed that they were true - all of them.
I covered myself up with make-up, because it was my mask, a way to hide my so-called ugliness; I would stop eating and joined sports because I was "disgustingly overweight," even when I wasn't; and I accepted empty promises. I did and tried things that I shouldn't have, I hated myself all because I believed those lies...
...but then a light came into the darkness. A voice began to whisper into my ear as I was on my knees, sobbing...
You are beautiful, Amanda. I don't see any flaws in you. You are precious. You are not a failure, and you are not nothing. Your worth is found in Me alone. You are treasured and loved. I accept you, because you are my child. I will never leave you, nor will I give up on you. You are forgiven. You are a new creation. You are free. I took it all for you on that cross. I, the God of the universe, love you. And I will never hurt you.
STOP RIGHT THERE.
HOLD THE PHONE.
Say what?! So You mean to tell me that everything that I have ever done is erased, as if it was never there? I am beautiful to You? I am not a failure? You won't hurt me like the rest of them? I mean something?
YES YES YES.
Because of Christ's death and resurrection, I am a new creation.
Because Christ says so, I am:
1) not at fault for the things that people have done wrong against me.
2) beautiful because Christ created me, and it's what's on the inside that counts. Proverbs 31:30 and 1 Peter 3:3-4. BOOM.
3) intelligent; perhaps my knowledge in school isn't the same as others, but that doesn't make me stupid.
4) succeeding because of Christ, who was and is my best decision, so what can worldly failures do to me?
5) treasured by the Almighty God of the universe, and He alone gives me worth.
6) cared by others around me, especially Jesus.
7) forgiven, and I am a new creation, washed clean by the blood of Jesus Christ.
And, if I were to lie to you today, I would say that I don't believe the lies at all anymore. Yes, I still struggle with them. I wrestle every single day with understanding that the very God that holds everything together thinks the best of me, even though I may not all of the time. Satan still attacks me spontaneously, not nearly as much as he used to, by trying to get me to believe them.
I used to have to carry around a list of those truths with me daily, along with Bible verses, to prove to myself that all of those things that I thought about myself weren't true. That was until camp rolled around, which God used to break down those walls and gave me the confidence that I had never had my entire life. He gave me strength that came from Him alone, and He continues to give me that strength. The piece of paper was labeled "The Truth" at the very top. How fitting. I don't know where that list is today, but He has used it in my life and the lives of others. I have it practically memorized by now anyways.
My insecurities still exist, some more prominent than others; however, my God always tells me what He whispered into my ear the day that I came to believe in Him. Praise the Lord that I don't have to be perfect and that He is the strength in my weaknesses - that I don't have to have it all together when I go before Him. Praise God for the truth.
The lies that I have believed about myself are exactly why I want to help others going through the same things, letting them know that they, too, are loved by the Creator. I care far too much about others to not do that type of ministry. Like, seriously. Young women going through abuse and neglect, children that have special needs and have no place to call home - those are the people that I long to reach out to and show the love of Jesus Christ. All of what I said about my struggles? That is precisely why helping people is my passion and telling them that they are treasured by Christ, because this world needs to hear the truth.
"I was blinded by scales upon my eyes; He came like a light, burned up all the lies. Oh, and He set me free, He reminded me: I am all He says I am... And He says I am His own. Chains are broken, scales are on the floor; truth is spoken: I'm no orphan anymore... Oh, I am loved and I am new again. I'm free - I'm no slave to sin. I'm a saint; I am righteousness. Oh, and I'm alive."
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